


So Much

by Gem_In_Eye



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Benny Lafitte & Dean Winchester Friendship, Dean Bears The Mark of Cain, Dean-Centric, Drunk Dean, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Hurt Dean Winchester, Kissing, Love Letters, M/M, Making Out, Mark of Cain, Mutual Pining, Protective Castiel, Purgatory, Reapers, Sad, Self-Sacrifice, Separations, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Castiel, Top Dean, Torture, Unrequited, Violence, missing each other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-19 10:19:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 24,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3606519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gem_In_Eye/pseuds/Gem_In_Eye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"Holy crap. Now I’m writing a fucking love letter."</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Dean's fed up of The Mark controlling him. He doesn't want to succumb to the blood lust. Broken and drunk, he writes to Castiel telling him the truth. Castiel needs to know that Dean loves him. So much.<br/><br/><strong>*Lots and lots of angst, separation woes, hurt and a happy ending.*</strong></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Love You So Much...

_We say goodbye in the pouring rain,_  
_And I break down as you walk away._  
_'Cause all my life I've felt this way,_  
_But I could never find the words to say - Stay._

 **Stay** , Hurts

* * *

 

_Dear Cas,_

Holy crap. Now I’m writing a fucking love letter.

But I guess that **IS** what I am doing. Shit. Never thought this would be me, you know. Back in the good old days… But hey, no one ever thinks they are going to grow up and fall in love with a freaking angel of the lord.

I just read what I wrote. _In love_.

But yeah, I guess that is the truth. Isn’t it? I am in love with you. And for the most part of it, this sucks. Feeling this way. But what the hell. It’s not like I am going to be alive when you read this. But I dunno man, I gotta let you know.

Look, it’s not like this is a TV show and I met you in a bar and we locked eyes and I knew that you were the one. I mean, come on. That’s not what happens in real life. When I first met you that day in the barn and I had stuck all those bullets through your chest and you didn’t even break a sweat I freaked out man. I mean I was scared shitless. That day you told me that I deserved to be saved. Just like that - without even flinching. I didn’t show it but that meant a lot to me. I just. Well… I had never considered myself worthy of saving. And in the end I was right. Wasn’t I? I have gone dark side. Killed so many. I don’t even wanna remember. But what I am trying to say is thanks. Thanks for believing in me. You are the only non -family member who ever really did.

I don’t know what I am doing. Sitting here half-drunk remembering us before I blow my brains out. So… let me ramble on because _. Just because_.

The day I tortured Alistair you told me that they had begun to question your sympathies upstairs and that you were getting too close to me. I was stunned. I had never realized that I had made any impact on you whatsoever but apparently I had and that gave me the strength to face Alistair. That night you told me that I was the one who had broken the first seal. I had bawled like a child that night. But Cas, that night for the first time you had not seemed bewildered and you had not seemed confused, you had understood. You had stayed right next to me in that room that night… all night. Maybe that was the day I had first felt something for you. I don't remember, I was too preoccupied with my own self-loathing. I was just glad that you were there that night.

Remember when I took you to that club to get laid and you had freaked that poor postmaster's daughter out? Remember running off that night? Laughing. You had grinned wide when I had laughed and seeing that grin I had been all but ready to  offer myself to get you laid, everything else be damned. I hadn't off course. I didn't know how you would react and I didn't want to freak you out.

Maybe I just didn't want to be rejected.

And then there was the apocalypse. And then Sammy was gone. And I left you to go live that apple pie life that I had promised Sammy that I would live. With Lisa.

I had loved Lisa but even then I had missed you. I had missed my nerdy angel friend. But you were off doing God knows what up in heaven and I didn't want to disturb you. I had figured that if you needed me you would swoosh down with your wings for a visit but all those months you never did. This sounds stupid but I had felt cheated. All those days you never visited made me feel that all I was to you was a weapon to be used in the apocalypse. That you couldn't be bothered to come see me for a second. That had sucked.

Had someone told me then that you had been plotting with the king of hell to open purgatory I would have laughed at their face. But that was what you were doing. When you told me everything later I couldn't believe that you would prefer to ask Crowley. Crowley of all people....

And not me.

After all we had been through together you didn't believe I would care. That I would have helped.

Wow. That had hurt something awful.

All I had wanted to do was to stop you that night and ask you to trust me and tell you that I cared about you.

So much.

And then you became god. You had asked us to do whatever you said and I refused. Funny thing is that had you asked me to do anything… anything for you before you were god, I would have. But that wasn't you. That wasn't the clueless angel who was my best friend. That look in your eyes before you had gone away, it broke my heart.

And you went ahead and got those goddamned Leviathans inside you Cas. And then you died.

Shit. I remember you saying sorry to me. It was the last thing you said. And then you were dead. You were gone godammit and you had taken Sam's sanity with you. I had hated you. And I had loathed you. And I had wished I had never met you.

And I had missed you.

_So much._

But you weren't dead. You weren't dead at all. You were off living a happily married life with a complete stranger. You didn't remember anything.  You had looked at me with those blue, blue eyes when I had found you. You didn't know who I was.

But you see Cas, I knew who you were. You weren't evil anymore. You were back. You saved my brother that day... and lost your mind in the process. It had been hard to leave you there with Meg but I knew that she would take care of you. She was completely smitten and I couldn't blame her one bit.

I had seen you next the day we met Kevin. You were off your rocker. Sam and Meg thought it was funny. My feelings were the opposite. The great seraph Castiel had been reduced to this. It was anything but funny. Even though your eggs were scrambled you had apologized to me that night. Again and again. But I couldn't forgive you. What you had done was stuck in my head.

The day we killed Dick Roman I had asked you to come and help. I had told you that I would rather have you than anybody else and that I had forgiven you. I wasn't lying. If anything, I was downplaying how I felt.

And then there was purgatory. When you disappeared that first day I was beside myself with fury. You had gone again. I felt betrayed. But then I thought that maybe you hadn't disappeared out of choice, maybe you were in danger and it then it became my mission to find you. I prayed to you Cas. Every goddamn night. And you never showed.

I had found you by the stream. It had been too long. All I had wanted to do was kiss you. But I could see Benny smirking and I didn't. Then you told me that all this time you had stayed away to keep me safe. I had wanted to laugh and shake you like a madman.

So what if you put me in a teensy bit of danger. Fuck it. I wasn't leaving without you. I wouldn't have it any other way. No way was I letting you go again.

All those nights next to you in purgatory I was glad to be beside you. Purgatory was pure. Every emotion was crystal clear. I was clear about how I felt. With your habit of running away I was glad to have you for myself for a few days.

When I made it out of purgatory and you didn't, I lost my head. (Understatement of the year) I had failed you. Just like I had failed every god forsaken thing I ever cared about.

But then you were back Cas. And I thought I was hallucinating. And I thought something fishy was going on. How could you be back? Just like that? I wasn't that lucky.

Turns out I was right. I wasn't **that** lucky. 

That day at the crypt you beat me up. And I told you that I needed you. And you stopped. And healed me. For a moment there I let myself believe that you did have feelings for me. But then you disappeared. You bailed on me yet again and all I wanted was to break a lot of china, kill someone and set my head on fire. You really drove me crazy. Couldn't you see how badly I wanted to be with you? Couldn't you just take me with you?                          

And then you were back again with your apologies and pleading puppy dog eyes. Because you needed our help. You weren't there just to see us. To see me.

And then you ran off again. Joined Metatron, made the angels fall. Became human.

I won't lie. I thought that you being human would mean that I would finally get to make a move. Finally get to be with you. But you went and slept with April. The first broad you met. And you were grinning when you told us. Like you deserved a medal. I had grinned and made a joke and then snuck off to my room.

So much for all that hope I had. And then I had to ask you to leave because of Gadreel. That look you gave me - that soul searching stare made me buzz and tingle all over.

I thought that you would ask me why I was asking you to leave. You never did. Guess you never wanted to stay anyway.

And then there was the thing with Nora. I saw the look on your face before your date you seemed so delighted so hopeful. I couldn't ask you to come back with me. Couldn't take that away from you.

Call me sappy but I wished you would have that look for me. But look at me being all chick-flicky I know that isn't possible. After April I had little hope left and after Nora I lost all hope. I knew you didn't want me like that and it was okay.

Soon you were an angel again. As you began to redeem yourself I realized that I didn't need you to love me back. I knew what I felt and if you didn't have the equipment to care I was still happy being your friend.

It wasn't all I wanted but it was all I was going to get and that was fine. But then there was **The Mark.**

You and Sammy are so busy searching for a way to remove The Mark but get it through your heads - there is NO cure. If there was one, Cain would have found it. He has had thousands of years. There is no way to stop this. If I live, thousands will die at my hands. That goes against my very existence. Against every fiber of my being.

It wants me to kill. Sometimes the bloodlust makes me so crazy I forget my own name. Its pure evil and it has a hold on me.

I know you believe that I can overcome the bloodlust even if you haven't said it out loud. You always believed in me. Always believed that I was worth more than I am. It’s one of the things that made me fall for you in the first place. But I know what I am talking about when I say I can't hold out any longer.

Cas if you ever read this know that I know that I don't blame you for anything. Except maybe for breaking Sam's wall. I know that you do care for me and that it’s not your fault that you don't love me. But Castiel I love you. Every cell in my tired and drunk body knows that I love you and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt you.

And now you know.

I love you - you son of a bitch.

**So much.**

_Dean_

 


	2. I Have Always Loved You So Much...

 

Dean Winchester is NOT the kind of a person to make a decision and not go through with it.

Especially if we are talking about self-sacrifice.

Dean has always been one to do what is best for everyone but himself and Dean **had** been determined to end it all last night. He **had** wanted to make things right. He **had** wanted it to be over.

But things don't _always_ go as planned.

_Do they?_

* * *

 

 _And I'd give up forever to touch you,_  
_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow._  
_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,_  
_And I don't wanna go home right now._

 **Iris** , Goo-Goo Dolls

 

* * *

 

It had taken me hours to reach the bunker last night. Travelling the human way is inconvenient - to say the least. By the time I had reached the bunker yesterday, it was already night. Sam was researching the Mark and Dean was in his room, probably asleep. I decided not to bother him and so I sat with Sam and we worked in silence. We both knew that we shared a common goal - we wanted Dean to be okay.

Sam loves his brother very much and that makes him want to save him. As for me... what I feel for Dean Winchester is slightly different. More than slightly.

He is an extraordinary human being and possesses a beautiful soul that had shone like a beacon even in hell. Only a few months after meeting him, I had begun to show feelings... human emotions. It had been extremely confusing seeing as I was an angel and he a human being. I haven't been able to hide how I feel very well over the years and have slipped on more than a few occasions. I once even told Dean that we shared a profound bond. Dean had been confused when I had said that and made it quite clear that he does not return my regard. The fact that he doesn't has never affected me, he has given so much over the years and I cannot ask him for any more.

All I want right now is to free him of the Mark of Cain.

_Nothing more._

After Sam decided to turn in for the night I remained seated and continued to read. I suppose I should consider myself lucky. I do not require sleep. But after my brief stint as a human, I have come to envy those who can sleep. I wish I could turn my thoughts off for a few hours every now and then. It is... liberating.

It is seven in the morning and I feel that it would be okay to wake Dean now. He told me once that he requires four hours of sleep and judging by the clock he has had more than enough sleep tonight. I shall have to leave soon and I wish to speak to him before I go.

I decide not to wake Sam. He was up till three last night and it would be rather pointless to wake him up seeing as I have nothing more to say to him. I knock on Dean's door but there is no reply. I knock again, loudly this time but I cannot hear anything. Fearing the worst, I enter. There is Dean, on the floor - clutching an empty bottle of whisky in one hand and a piece of paper in another. His gun is next to him and I wonder what that is about. He seems rather pale.

He is breathing though. That is something.

My footsteps are loud but Dean hardly moves. It is the whisky. Dean prefers beer on most days. It is the particularly hard ones when he tries to drink away his sorrows with whisky.

Looking at Dean while he is sleeping has earned my some choice comments from him over the years. But I have never been able to help myself. Seeing Dean unguarded like this, unburdened by the heavy weight the hunter always seems to carry makes me feel at peace. But I suppose I shouldn't wake him up. I have seen Dean hung over before and he seems in no mood to speak. As I am leaving, my eyes fall on the paper in his hands, it is addressed to me.

I do not think it would be inappropriate to read it after all it **is** meant for me. I gently remove it from his hands.

And I begin to read.

 

 


	3. I Love Making Out With You So Much...

* * *

 

 _This time, This place,_  
_Misused, Mistakes._  
_Too long, Too late,_  
_Who was I to make you wait?_  
_Just one chance, just one breath,_  
_Just in case there's just one left._  
_'Cause you know, you know, you know ... I love you,_  
_I have loved you all along._  
_And I miss you,_  
_Been far away for far too long._

 **Far Away** , Nickelback

* * *

Dean woke up with a splitting headache, feeling like he had just swallowed a sock and his head hurt like a bitch. Dean's hangovers had grown exponentially with every passing year. There was a time when after a night of heavy drinking he would wake up whistling. But now...

Gaaah, he had to puke.

After spending half an hour with his head bent over the toilet seat Dean had felt marginally better. He had little recollection of the events of the previous night and had no intention of racking his brain in his present condition. He was brushing his teeth when he heard Sammy shouting something about going out for groceries. Dean grunted an answer back and went back to brushing his teeth. Something smelt bad. He sniffed himself.

He smelt like a sewer rat. He had to take a shower. That usually helped with the hangover too. When Dean was all clean he let out a sigh of relief, at least now Sammy would not know what he'd been up to last night.

Getting tanked was all right in his twenties but he was thirty-six now and with The Mark and everything, getting drunk was not such a great idea anymore.

Dean thought about last night. He hadn’t changed his mind. Dean had every intention of finishing the job tonight. His final hunt. This time he himself was the monster – the one who _had_ to be killed. And if Sam and Cas were reluctant to do the job, well… that just meant that he was going to have to do it himself.

 

Dean headed out towards the kitchen. He had a system for hangovers like this one - a shower, followed by his original hangover concoction (which was nauseating but did the job all right) and then a greasy meal to round it off.

As soon as he got out of the door however, he immediately collided with something – someone. It was Cas.

Cas just looked at him with his head tilted sideways. He had an inscrutable expression on his face. And he just stared at Dean. A shiver ran through Dean – what was going on?

And before Dean could realize what was happening, Cas's hands were on his shoulders, reeling him in and those soft, chapped lips were on his. And fuck - they were kissing. And normally in shows and books and movies, the first kiss is awesome but this first kiss… It was weird. A bit too one-sided. Dean was too stunned to kiss back. Cas stepped away - his eyes wide.

"Sorry. I-I just I read your letter and I thought. Forget what I thought. I'm sorry I know you were drunk. I thought you meant it." Said Cas.

Dean stared at him. His mind too confused to process any of this. Cas had just kissed him. That must mean... But wait. Letter? What letter? Then it came to him. Holy mother of god!

"You read my letter? From last night?"

"Yes. It doesn't matter. I just. I thought… My apologies. It won't happen again. Sorry Dean. I'll go now."

Cas had looked surprised earlier, now he just looked sad. Shit! Dean knew what was going to happen now. Cas would leave and disappear for god knows how long. Jesus. He had to stop him. He had to say something.

"Off course. I meant it. Every word. Cas I…" Whispered Dean. He really didn’t have much more to say. He’d already said too much in the letter. His head was buzzing. Fuck it. It was his last day on Earth and he was finally going to do what he had wanted to do for so long. He pulled Cas towards him and kissed him. This time the kiss was different. This time the kiss was amazing. This time, the kiss was freaking awesome.

Dean’s hands were in Cas’s hair and Cas’s arms were around his neck, pulling him closer and closer. He could feel Cas smiling against his lips and then his tongue was in Cas’s mouth and he was rubbing his tongue on the roof of his mouth. It felt so good. Cas was everywhere and Dean couldn’t think as he pushed at Cas needing to do something now, god. He felt ready to burst. He pushed Cas until he hit the wall and then they broke apart for a second trying to catch their breath. Cas's eyes never left him. Dean smirked at him. Cas blushed and Dean nearly fainted.

Jesus. He wanted to kiss Cas more and more and more. He wanted to make him blush and follow its red trail down his chest. Cas’s hair was even more ruffled than usual and that was all his doing and was easily the most delicious, debauched sight he had ever seen. Wow. More, more, more. He leaned in and kissed Cas again but before he could do anything more like drag him to his room, Cas stepped away, looking pained.

“You said you meant every word. Does that also mean that you are going to kill yourself?”

Shit. What was he supposed to say to that? He had to lie, if Sammy got wind of his plans he was going to get locked in the dungeon and be forced to stay alive and put everyone he cared about in danger. He forced himself to smile weakly.

“Nah, I’ve got you now. I’m not going to do anything,” he said “Really.”

Dean wished he’d meant it when he’d said that. But the fact was that this didn’t change anything. He’d been right last night – he couldn’t hold out much longer. The Mark was too potent. There was nothing that could be done.

But right now, at this moment – none of that mattered. What mattered now was that Cas was here, right next to him and all Dean wanted right now was to be with him.

Nothing else was even remotely significant. Nothing else mattered anymore.

He leaned forward and closed the distance between them again.

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. I Hate Leaving You So Much...

* * *

 

 _If I don't say this now - I will surely break,_  
_As I'm leaving the one I want to take._  
_Forget the urgency, but hurry up and wait,_  
_My heart has started to - separate._  
  
_There now, steady love, so few come and don't go,_  
_Will you, won't you be the one I'll always know?_  
_When I'm losing my control, the city spins around,_  
_You’re the only one who knows, you slow it down._

 **Look After You** , The Fray

* * *

 

Dean leaned forward and closed the distance between them. The kiss was soft but urgent. The hunter was surprised as hell – he didn’t know that something so slow and full of love could be so hot and wonderful. Cas’s arms around his neck were growing tighter by the second and if the growing hardness in his pants was any indication, Cas wanted this just as much as Dean did.

Dean had pushed his angel against the wall but he didn’t want this to be rushed – for the first time in his life he had to do something right. He grabbed Cas’s hand and led him towards the door of his room.

They had opened the door and were inside and neither could comprehend how they had done that without stopping the kissing for a second. And neither of them really did give a damn.

Cas was amazing at making out and Dean was highly surprised. Cas had only ever slept with one woman, or rather one angel.

But the way he kissed Dean and slowly moved his hands under his shirt, massaging him gently while at the same time swirling his tongue inside his mouth with gusto was … WOW. Guess the pizza man had taught Castiel more than just a thing or two. One instant Dean was thinking that he could engage in these slow making out sessions forever and the next second he felt that if he didn’t get their clothes off in the next five seconds he was at a high risk of spontaneous combustion.

Dean broke the kiss and the irritated strangled groan that his action elicited from Cas made his head spin. He felt drunk.

The angel looked at him – wide eyes unblinking as usual. However the amazing blue of his eyes which always made Dean dizzy was nowhere to be seen. Cas’s pupils had dilated and his eyes looked almost black. His shirt was open and his tie undone and Dean could all but wonder what he had done to deserve this gorgeous creature in front of him.

Neither of them were in any condition to speak and Dean just took of Cas’s shirt and his own shirt and undershirt and literally tackled Cas on to the bed and then straddled him. He ran his hand all over his hair and began to kiss him softly on the neck. The kissing on his neck became harder each second and Cas would surely have a lot of marks on his neck after this. Dean was glad, he would be gone soon and these marks – they would stay. He tried not to think about leaving and rather focused his attention on the man in front of him. That was not too difficult. Not when Cas’s hands were on Dean’s belt and that was off soon along with his pant and boxers. Dean returned the favor with enthusiasm and then put his knee in between Cas’s legs as if to mark his place right there. This was so hot. Dean knew what he wanted – to be inside Cas and he looked at him questioningly. Astonishingly, Cas understood immediately and nodded. He then buried his face in the crook of Dean’s neck and wrapped his legs around him making a soft strangled sound in between a whimper and a moan.

Dean grunted “Lube.” And reached to the bedside table. Cas just pulled him right back and said, “Dean, I’m an angel. It won’t hurt. Just stop talking, I want this – I want you.”

Cas’s legs were parted and Dean settled between them, he pushed Cas’s legs and wrapped them around himself. He began to enter him slowly, inch by inch. It felt so good. Cas’s insides were soft and yielding as if he had been specially designed for Dean, Dean and no one else. When he was finally settled inside Cas they both stopped for a minute each savoring this moment – Cas feeling Dean inside him and Dean feeling Cas’s wet heat all around him.

Then Dean began to move and it felt so good to have Cas beneath him, writhing and panting. They both got lost in the pleasure and it didn’t take long for both of them to come, shaking and moaning.

Dean pulled out and lay next to Cas. They both were too moved to do anything else but lie beside each other, staring at the ceiling.

Cas spoke, “I love you Dean, from the first moment I met you. I have been on this Earth for millennia and I have never… never felt this way for anyone... anyone. I thought you knew.”

Dean couldn’t say anything to that – neither of them had known. He wished that they had. They could’ve had months, years… and now, all they had was today. He wished he could wake up next morning next to Cas and wake up next to him for days and days. Castiel didn’t deserve this. He wished that he could stay. But he didn’t have the luxury to dream. This was all he was going to get and it was much, much more than he deserved. He looked at his angel and said, “I love you too.” Because really, he didn’t know what else to say.

This hurt. _So much._

* * *

 


	5. How Do You Know So Much About Me?

 

* * *

 _You left without saying goodbye,_  
_Although I'm sure you tried_  
_You call the house from time to time,_  
_To make sure we're alive..._  
_But you weren't there,_  
_Right when I'm needed you the most_  
_And now I dream about it,_  
_And how it's so bad, it's so bad._

 **Too Bad** , Nickelback

* * *

 

It is 4 pm and Dean wakes up with a jolt. Even though his fitful sleep was plagued with nightmares as usual, the scene in front of him is nothing short of a dream. Castiel is lying next to him, he is working on Dean’s laptop, and he looks troubled. His brow is furrowed and he is completely, utterly naked. Fuck. This is amazing. Dean tries to stop staring. Staring is creepy. Remember?

“Hey.” says Dean prodding Cas with his leg. Cas looks down at him and sputters “Um. Hello Dean. I was just doing some research. I didn’t know if you’d want me here. I… I can go if you like.”

Cas looks so adorable and vulnerable like this that Dean’s heart does a little tango in his chest. He can’t believe that this amazing creature is so unaware of the affect he has on Dean. Even after reading the letter. He pull Castiel roughly down towards himself with a mischievous smirk on his face. He attempts a chaste kiss but apparently that isn’t something possible for the two of them. It takes them hardly any time to end up tangled in each other, making out furiously. But before things get too heated, Dean’s stomach growls loudly. It’s about time, he hasn’t eaten since last night. Cas smiles and Dean disentangles himself from Cas and starts putting on his clothes. They are scattered all over the room and it is awkward for a moment and they both look quite abashed. Both of them quickly look away and begin to work on their clothes.

After they both get dressed, Dean walks towards the kitchen with Cas in tow. Sammy is sitting on the table eating his disgusting vegetable filled lunch. He looks at them and his face breaks into the widest grin he has ever seen. Sam seems ready to say something on the lines of ‘I always knew this was gonna happen’ but Dean all but growls at him and says, “Shut up Sammy. I don’t want any discussion.” Dean proceeds to the counter and begins to heat up some of the leftover Indian takeaway from last night. Then the three of them sit in amiable silence as Sam eats, Dean shovels food into his mouth and Cas just sits and stares.

After a while, Dean realizes with a pang that this is probably the happiest he has been in a very, very long while and that this isn’t going to last much longer. He sighs into his Chicken Dhansak.

Once they have eaten, Cas looks at the two of them with a serious look on his face. He looks excited about something.

“I need to talk to the two of you,” says Cas “It is really important and I believe it will solve a lot of our problems.”

“Uh huh. Is it about The Mark?” asks Sam “Or is it about the two of you doing the dance with no pants?”

Dean reddens at that and shoots Sam a warning glare.

“Dean seems to be intent on ending his life. And **nothing** we do or say seems to remedy the situation” continues Cas.

Dean freaks out for a second. How did Cas know? He forces himself to lie again. He can’t risk them knowing, “Man, I told you I wasn’t going to do anything.”

“And I had believed you. However, while you were sleeping today you said some things which made me question your intentions.”

“Like what?” asks Sam.

“He said that he couldn’t control his urge to kill anymore,” then Cas looks a bit embarrassed “And he said something about he wished he didn’t have to leave me and that he didn’t deserve me.”

Cas continues, “I won’t comment on how untrue these statements are right now but I have to tell you both that I have a solution.”

“And what is that?” ask the two brothers in unison. Dean seems a bit incredulous. Sam seems intrigued.

“Purgatory.” Answers Cas simply.

 

* * *

 

                                                                                                                                                                 


	6. Sometimes You Infuriate Me So Much...

* * *

_The first step is the one you believe in,_  
_The second one might be profound._  
_I'll follow you down… through the eye of the storm,_  
_Don't worry - I'll keep you warm._  
_I'll follow you down while we're passing through space,_  
_I don't care if I fall from grace,_  
_I'll follow you down…_

 **I’ll Follow You** , Shinedown

* * *

 

“Purgatory.” Answers Cas simply “It is the only choice we have for now. The place is full of death-defying beings lurking in every corner and if Dean returns to purgatory, he’ll be able to do what he has been doing for a long time – eliminating evil and there will be no repercussions as well.

All three were silent for a while. Contemplating the idea in their heads.

Sam spoke first, “I have to say Dean, this idea might work. You wouldn’t be posing a threat to anyone even remotely human and you would be doing what you do best. What do you think?”

Dean felt weird. The idea seemed so obvious. He wondered why they hadn’t considered it before. It was insane how much of a perfect fit this was. He remembers last time. Purgatory is pure. It is a place where one can either kill or be killed, relying on basic animal instincts, cut off from any outside interference or contact.

“I dunno man. It does sound freaking awesome right now.” Divulges Dean, “With all this urge to kill pumping inside my veins I am feeling excited by the idea of ganking some evil sons of bitches right now. Cas shoots him a winning smile. He looks rather pleased that his plan has been so well received.

Dean continues, “I mean I wasn’t feeling too murderous this morning but now man – I feel like I have got to kill. Plus I get to see Benny again and that’s an upside too. But I can’t leave you here Sammy?”

“Oh yeah? And what was going to happen when you killed yourself huh jerk?” snarls back Sam.

Dean really has nothing to say to that. He does feel like a jerk – what he had been planning to do would surely have been a nightmare for Sammy and Cas. He flinches.

“Seriously Dean you are such a stupid asshole sometimes. And anyhow, it seems like it is obvious what we have to do. I don’t think it would be too difficult to find another rogue reaper like Ajay and bribe him to do the job.”

“So let’s get to it.” continues Dean.

“What like now, now?” questions Sam.

“There’s no time like the present Sammy. I mean what this Mark is doing to me will only get worse with the passing time.”

“I agree. We need to get to it soon.” Cas sighs, “I mean the process might take too long and we don’t even know if it is possible for a reaper to transport an angel.”

Dean looks at Cas. No way. No way in hell is Cas risking his life for him again. No way.

“You are not coming.” Mutters Dean.

“Why not? I want to come.” counters Cas, “It is my decision and I want to come.”

“No. Do remember last time or do you need a recap? Remember how every hellish nightmare in that place was intent on following and murdering your ass? They might get to you this time man. I can’t let that happen.” Shouts Dean.

“And what am I supposed to do Dean? Let you go? I thought you said that you wished you could stay with me forever. I thought you said you love me. I am coming with you.”

Both of them begin to glare at each other, all the sweetness of the morning forgotten.

Sam clears his throat and looks at the two of them pointedly.  “Dean I think you guys should discuss this, take a road trip maybe. We need to capture a demon anyway if we need to get information on the coyotes. The crossroads demons have become too smart. They no longer come when we summon them. I read about possible demon possessions near Rhinestone Lake in today’s paper."

“Sounds like a plan. But there **is** nothing to discuss. I’m not putting you in any more danger Cas.” Declares Dean.

“We’ll see.” Cas spats, still glaring at Dean.

Sam continues “I’m going to get some hardcore research done which might help you guys. There is a series of books here in the library on the place by Volutus Adfeci.I have been itching to read them for a while now.” Sam is grinning now.

“Man, you really need to get a life – how big of a nerd are you?” chuckles Dean. But Sam is already running off to the library. Dean sighs and looks at Cas.

Cas still seems highly miffed but he also looks really hot when he is angry and Dean leers at him suggestively and points towards his room. Cas is not amused by his antics at all and stomps off.

Dean laughs. He feels good about the idea of purgatory but he doesn’t know if he’d rather let Cas come with him and be in constant mortal peril or force him to stay and be safe. But if there is one things he knows for sure it is that there is definitely going to be a lot of discussion on the topic.

It is going to be a really long road trip.

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. An Extract from ' An in Depth analysis of Purgatory '

**An In Depth Analysis of Purgatory**

_By Volutus Adfeci_

**Introduction**

 

One of the lesser known abodes of departed souls is purgatory. Research on heaven and hell has been undertaken since time immemorial due to hundreds of eye witness accounts narrating the presence of demons and angels. Due to lack of evidence, research on purgatory has been extremely limited.

Purgatory, according to Catholic Church doctrine, is an intermediate state after physical death in which those destined for heaven undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven. This mindset has been challenged by the Men of Letters in recent years after they published the accounts of Arden Winchester who is said to have entered purgatory and subsequently escaped by using a portal designed for humans to escape. **(Chapter 3 – Arden Winchester’s Accounts - Truth or Fiction)**

Purgatory is the home of Leviathan, departed werewolves, vampires, shape-shifters, tricksters, sirens, wendigos and other creatures of the dark. This has sparked intense debate as to where a creature goes after it is extinguished in purgatory. **(Chapter 7 - Death in Purgatory)**

Reapers have always possessed the power to move between the land of the living and the dead. They are said to be able to travel between the worlds and have been rumored to transport passengers on occasion. Such rogue reapers carry passengers in exchange for favors.

Purgatory is also a rich source of power. The departed souls which have been collected over the years if harnessed by some means will be sufficient to match the powers of God. **(Chapter 9 – Tapping the Power)**

The few sources which we do have all maintain that purgatory is pure in a way Earth is not. There one has to either kill or be killed day in day out week after week and even though it may get monotonous after a while, the lack of anything else to do creates a sense of abandon which causes this feeling of purity. Venturing in purgatory and attempting expeditions without proper training akin to those which hunters obtain is extremely dangerous and will most likely end in death.

Purgatory supports a growth of unique vegetation which is rarely seen on the Earth. In addition to a large number of Periculosus trees, the place has a host of potentially dangerous plants. Various creatures may even pose as plants in an attempt to lure prey. Purgatory is the home of the famous Aloramortal plants which have been used by sirens since ancient years. Its flower traps unknowing victims by creating a need for carnal fulfilment which if not satisfied leads to death. This flower also forces the person to go to other creatures for gratification of their lust and desire which more often than not leads to death. Other plants like the Cadaver vine, lignis bushes and Sepulchrum flowers are also present. The Khan worm, is also found.   **(Chapter 5 – Vegetation)**

Geographically, purgatory is flat land with a few streams, the topography is undulating. There is a lack of food fit for humans and a human stuck in the place might have to face starvation and dehydration.

The climate is comparable to that of the Gobi Desert of Mongolia. The climate is one of great extremes, combined with rapid changes of temperature of as much as 35 °C (63 °F). These can occur not only seasonally but within 24 hours.

We have also discovered that purgatory indeed is the realm between various states of being and hosts portals to the Earth, hell and heaven. **(Chapter 4 – The Portals of Purgatory)** The various portals of purgatory are a subject of great interest worldwide. If we manage to use these portals for our own benefit and transportation we may become one of the strongest creatures in existence.

It is quite clear that further research on purgatory and proper exploration will prove to be immensely beneficial in the long run. This book aims to increase the curiosity and inquisitiveness of the reader on the subject which will further the studies.

* * *

 

 

Index

_Introduction_

Chapter 1 : _Creation and history_

Chapter 2 : _Purgatory in the Bible_

Chapter 3 :  _Arden Winchester’s Accounts - Truth or fiction_

Chapter 4 : _The Portals of Purgatory_

Chapter 5 : _Vegetation_

Chapter 6 _: Climate and Topography_

Chapter 7 : _Death in Purgatory_

Chapter 8 : _Rogue Reapers and Transportation_

Chapter 9 : _Tapping the Power_

Chapter 10 : _Expeditions and Exploration_

_Acknowledgments_

_Bibliography_

* * *

 

 

 


	8. I Enjoyed our Road Trip So Much...

* * *

_I looked out this morning and the sun was gone,_  
_Turned on some music to start my day._  
_I lost myself in a familiar song,_  
_I closed my eyes and I slipped away…_  
_So many people have come and gone,_  
_Their faces fade as the years go by…_  
_Yet I still recall as I wander on,_  
_As clear as the sun in the summer sky._

 **More Than a Feeling** , Boston

* * *

 

**Murders shake Rhinestone Lake**

          Joseph Kudrow

_A man was founded murdered near Rhinestone Lake in Suffolk. He had been brutally slaughtered using a kitchen knife with which he had been repeatedly stabbed. The man, Robert Evans was a pharmaceutical sales representative in the town. The knife was later found at his own home with his wife Margaret who continues to maintain that she has no recollection of the events even though the knife is covered with her fingerprints according to police report. She has been released on bail. Officials did not mention a possible motive._

_This is the third homicide in two weeks in Suffolk. Two women – a Jane Harris and Holly Caputo had also been murdered by their husband and brother respectively near the same lake. In both the earlier cases as well, the suspects claimed to have no recollection of the events._

_"It's time to stop the bloodshed," said council member Keith Curry, according to WMBB. "We're lucky to have an efficient police force which has caught the suspects in all three cases, we are looking into the matter.”_

_Sources say that it is the lack of motive in all the cases is making it difficult to convict the suspects._

* * *

Dean was wrong. This doesn’t seem like a long and annoying road trip. This is… fun. It is amazing.

The weather is freaking awesome and his Boston album is playing on full volume. Cas is sitting beside him and staring out the window, deep in thought. He is still a bit mad at Dean but what the hell, they are a couple of idjits in love and it is hard to be mad at one another for long. Whenever Dean is with Cas nowadays, the effects of the Mark become very weak and coupled with this weather and a road trip with his Baby he feels as if the Mark didn’t exist. Dean rarely feels so good, so normal and he is glad. Really, really glad.

He has read and reread the article that Sam had given him about Suffolk, it does seem like demonic possessions. The case seems quite straightforward. They just need to find the demon and trap it. Ease to the pease. However, this trip is more about him and Cas than the demon. They would probably be able to get a demon anyway, Sam had deliberately set up this trip and though Dean had been irritated at first it has turned out to be a good idea. They really need to decide if Cas is going to come to purgatory with him.

Dean has never been stupid, he **knows** that he will probably be miserable in purgatory without Cas but he can’t only think of himself. Safety issue aside Cas is used to being a seraph, fighting in the apocalypse, leading angels - being involved in the bigger picture. Being stuck in purgatory with Dean might not be enough. Dean is sure of it. He doesn’t want Castiel to end up resenting him.

But Dean’s not going to bring up purgatory now. He isn’t interested in fighting all the way to Suffolk. Instead he leans over to Cas and kisses him on the neck. Cas turns towards him and flashes a reluctant smile. He still does seem a little miffed.

“Hey Cas.”

“Dean.”

“So… fun road trip huh?”

“It is pleasurable, yes.”

“What are you thinking about? Tell me.”

“I don’t know… I feel like my thoughts keep on jumping from one topic to another. I was looking at these white clouds and then I began to think about dark clouds and then I began to think about the volcanic clouds around Pompeii the day Mount Vesuvius erupted. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to hear about that.”

“Nah man, I want to know. I can listen to these albums some other day. Tell me about Pompeii.”

“I thought you felt history was boring.”

“Some of it is. But, first-hand accounts of badass ancient volcanoes from an angel are anything but boring. Really. So come on dude, tell me.”

Cas looks bemused at first but then he begins to smile wide and starts to talk. Dean leans back and drives and listens to his angel. It seems impossible to think of Cas as an ancient being sometimes, with him being so innocent and childlike about most stuff. It's hearing stuff like this which fills him with awe and for once Dean shuts up and listens.

* * *

It is already night by the time Dean and Cas reach Suffolk.

Today is the first time in his life that Dean has booked a motel room with a single king size bed. He grins and winks at Cas as he takes his keys from the manager but they have no time for anything naughty at the moment. They need to change into their FBI suits ASAP. They can hardly go interrogate the dead man’s wife now but they decide to swing by Holly Caputo’s dorm room and question her roommate.

As expected, the roommate insists that Holly’s brother Derek was a great guy who loved his sister a lot. She seems to be telling the truth. Plus, she is really cute and is currently giving Dean the look. Had Dean not gotten together with Cas he would have probably hit on about half the co-ed girls by now. Turns out he doesn’t care. He has Cas. And Cas is getting a good share of glances too. Dean finds it a little hard to not pull at him and kiss him right there and show everyone who he belongs to.

However, it’s their looks which have given them quite an edge in many cases. Everyone is so willing to give them information. The roommate – Katie tells them that Derek came to meet her this morning and helped pack up Holly’s stuff. She suspects that he is at the local bar getting drunk. They decide to go pay him a visit. Dean has heard a lot about this bar. It’s called Bar- B-Q and serves awesome barbecued chicken wings with the drinks. He **has** to check it out.

This case is turning out to be way too obvious. Dean is talking to Derek (who is totally smashed by the way ). He tells them over drinks how the last thing he remembers is walking into the local Wal-Mart and then later waking up with his sister’s body in front of him and a knife in his hands. All signs point to demonic possession again. He feels sick, he knows how Derek must feel. Losing a sibling is something one can never get over – it is like losing a huge chunk of yourself. Dean pats the poor guy on the shoulder and decides to leave him alone. 

Cas has been gone to get the second round of drinks for a while now. The chicken had been awesome as expected and Dean had even managed to get his angel to try some. He looks over at the bar area and sees Cas talking to the bartender, the bartender is staring at Cas, obviously entranced by those blue eyes and dark hair. He is flirting with Cas with gusto. And as far as he can see from here, Cas is not saying anything to dissuade him. 

Dean feels a burning sensation in the pit of his stomach. He has never been a jealous guy before. He knows that Cas  probably doesn't even realize that he is being flirted with. This thing with Cas is suddenly driving him crazy. He is being insecure and needy and possessive and Dean doesn’t like this. It is so not him. So he goes over with a wide grin plastered on his face and does what he does knows how to do. He slings his arm around Cas’s waist and pulls him and before Castiel can comprehend what is happening Dean breaks him off mid-sentence with the bartender and kisses him full on the mouth. He is a bit drunk, “Let’s go back to the motel now if you are done flirting with the bartender.” growls Dean into Cas’s ear. “I wasn’t flirting with the…” gulps Cas but Dean kisses him full on the mouth and shuts him up. The bartender looks extremely disappointed. Excellent. 

And Dean barely gets his four hours of sleep at night.

* * *

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Why Do I love Killing So Much?

* * *

_Ever since I could remember, everything inside of me,_  
_Just wanted to fit in._  
_I was never one for pretenders, everything I tried to be,_  
_Just wouldn't settle in…_  
  
_If I told you what I was,_  
_Would you turn your back on me?_  
_And if I seem dangerous,_  
_Would you be scared?_

 **Monster** , Imagine Dragons

* * *

 

It didn’t take Dean and Cas too long to figure out the common link between all the murders the next day. It only took them a few hours to interrogate the other two suspects the next morning and find that that all the suspects had been shopping at the same Wall-Mart before they were possessed. Neither did it take them too long to figure that the demonic possessions had everything to do with the Wal-Mart, the demon was possessing unsuspecting commoners and using them to kill. Typical demon antics. It didn’t even taken them too long to find and capture it. Dean had been hoping for a more challenging case. This was a bit too easy for his taste. But hey, this meant that they could find out about purgatory sooner and today, Dean was feeling particularly restless. It was really bad. He had woken up with The Mark burning. Cas who had been lying next to him had asked him ninety nine questions about how he was feeling. Dean hadn’t let Cas know how bad it was today - because well… what was the point?

* * *

 

 The sun had just begun to set when the hunter and angel returned to their motel room through the backdoor entrance with their newly captured demon. They had already painted a demon trap on the floor. The demon was well trussed up as they put him on the chair and chained him. Cas had been reluctant initially when Dean had said that he wanted to be the one to force out the information but he had finally relented after some strategic persuasion from Dean. All credit to The Mark. It had made him twist and distort the truth and confuse poor Cas. He knew that he should have put off the torture and brought the demon back to the bunker but the Mark was pumping all sorts of stuff through his veins and he couldn’t think clearly. All he knew was that torturing a punk-ass demon seemed like something he wanted to do. Something he really needed today. Badly.

Dean was all set – the trap, the knife, the holy water and syringes were all ready. Cas was leaning on the window. Dean wished he didn’t have to do this in front of the angel but he had little choice. There was no way Cas was letting him do this alone. He took out the knife and engraved a bloody line across the forehead of the demon. The demon flinched but he still had a sickening grin on its face. He laughed.

“Come on man, you can do better than that.”

“Oh you bet your ass I can, and I **am** going to unless you tell me all you know about the rogue reapers.”

“I ain’t telling you nothing.”

Dean smiled. “Well then, let’s see how much you smirk after you take all that I have got in store for you. Shall we?” Dean began to insert the syringe filled with holy water into the demon’s neck. He howled. But like all demons, this one was too much of a dick to let go so soon.

Dean’s insides were churning. He was sweating. All he wanted to do right now was stab the creature right in the heart and forget about everything else. But he knew that getting the information was important. He forced himself to take a deep breath and start again.

“Look, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Both ways will get you to the same ending – you telling me all you know. But if you play nice, help me – we can work out some kind of arrangement where you don’t end up writhing and screaming for mercy. Your choice.”

“Kiss my ass!” Shouted the demon and spat at Dean’s face. The Mark burned again. Dean flinched.

“So it’s going to be the hard way then? Fine by me.”

Dean began slowly inserting more and more holy water into the demon. When he had inserted the syringe for the sixth time, Dean knew that he was getting close. He looked at the demon. His face was covered with a look of pure terror. Dean fought the urge to grin.

He looked away and saw Cas. He had almost forgotten that he had been there the whole time. Dean wanted to slice open the demon’s insides. He wanted to carve into the poor bastard and watch him die. At this moment he didn’t even care if Cas saw. That thought shook him for a second and Dean composed himself. No, he had to get Cas out of the room.

Dean looked at him and said, “Hey, we are almost finished here. Could you tell Sam that we are alright? I bet the worrywart’s already pacing up and down the bunker. Oh and could you get me something to eat. I am starving.” Dean had forced himself to say all this while keeping a cool, calm mask on his face. He hoped that Cas wouldn’t notice how the knife was shaking in his hand behind his back. Right now he really didn’t care what Cas thought of him. He didn’t even remember how he felt about him. He was just a hindrance. An obstacle to overcome. He just wanted to get him out of the fucking room.

Apparently, he was a really good actor. He had seemed calm enough. His voice hadn’t shook. Castiel seemed to be okay with it.

“Okay, I can do that. Are you sure you are going to be fine?”

"Yep, totally."

"Alright. I'll be back soon." 

Dean couldn't believe it had worked. Cas was generally highly perceptive when it came to him. But whatever. He had got what he had wanted.

As soon as Cas left the room Dean began carving into the flesh of the demon. He felt free. He didn’t care if Cas returned to find him clutching a knife in a pool of blood because all he wanted was to simply torture the demon and kill him as brutally as possible. The Mark on his hand was on fire. His mind went blissfully blank. The word ‘kill’ resonated in his head. Dean began to carve into the demon’s chest after he was finished with the arms. The demon whose howls had been getting louder and louder since he had begun the torture suddenly grew quiet. Then he started to speak.

“Alright, alright. I will tell you. There is another reaper. He has taken Ajay’s place and his clients. His name is Jeff. You will find him exactly where you found Ajay. He has a soul patch and wears Hawaiian shirts and no, I don’t think he can transport angels.” As soon has he completed the sentence Dean pushed the blade into his stomach and twisted it. He stabbed the demon all over his body and finally put the final blow through its heart. It felt so good. He let out a sigh of relief. Dean dropped the knife and began to laugh. He had no idea what he was doing. He was ecstatic. He felt powerful. He felt high. He was actually high on the adrenaline of torturing and murdering the demon.

And he’d never had so much fun before.

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. This Hurts So Much...

* * *

_It takes you to another place, it takes you far away from me,_  
_Why do you go where I can't follow?_  
_I hate to watch you fall apart,_  
_Why must you bear this burden alone?_  
_Oh, you know it breaks my heart..._

 **Where I Can't Follow** , Amy Kuney

* * *

  
As soon as Castiel steps out of the motel something in his head begins to question whether leaving was the right decision. He stops in his tracks and starts to replay what had just happened…

     Suddenly, he feels like he does not need to think about it at all. He knows Dean. There was something different in his tone. Something is very, very wrong. He is absolutely sure of it. He can feel it. The feeling is so sharp, so tangible. He can almost touch it, taste it on his tongue and sense its vibrations through his bones. But it is not his vessel who feels it. This feeling is in him. Castiel.

As an angel, he was hardly intuitive but with Dean – he has almost always been able to grasp his emotions, always been able to understand. _He has been foolish not to trust this sensation._ He needs to go back. He has never been so sure of anything. Ever.

It has only been a few minutes but it might already be too late. Castiel starts running back towards their room.

* * *

When Castiel reaches their floor he hears something which makes him wish for a second that he had not come back. Makes him wish that he’d walked way. Because hearing this is so hard. It tugs and pulls at him and he wishes he were dead. It’s the sound of Dean’s laughter. Except that it is nowhere near the happy sound which makes Castiel’s insides melt like butter. It is the cruel, barbaric howling laughter of someone who isn’t _his_ Dean. It cannot be.

But it is.

Castiel pulls at the doorknob violently. What he sees makes him feel like his heart is shattering into millions of tiny pieces. There is Dean - in the pool of blood, clutching the knife. But it is not this sight which breaks his heart. No. He had expected this. It is the expression on Dean’s face that breaks Castiel. He had expected Dean to look guilty, shocked, depressed. But this is so much worse. Dean looks at him with an expression of nonchalance. One look at Dean's face and he finally stops kidding himself. Dean isn’t guilty – he simply does not care anymore. And that is much more painful than anything he had already braced himself for.

He stares at Dean's face for a minute. This isn't his Dean. His Dean wouldn't want this. Dean is so pure, so wonderful and so righteous. If Castiel doesn't end this right now, the level of torture Dean would inflict upon himself with his self loathing when he comes to his senses would be impossible to heal. This needs to stop. Castiel clenches his fist and knocks out the man in front of him.

* * *

 


	11. I Am Going To Miss You So Much...

* * *

_And all I can taste is this moment,_  
_And all I can breathe is your life._  
_And when sooner or later it's over,_  
_I just don't wanna miss you tonight._  
  
_And I don't want the world to see me,_  
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand._  
_When everything's made to be broken,_  
_I just want you to know who I am._

 **Iris** , Goo-Goo Dolls

* * *

It has been way too long since Dean has slept through the night not plagued by nightmares. He really doesn’t even care anymore – he is so used to it. But tonight he falls into a deep, dreamless sleep. Castiel puts his hands on Dean’s head and diverts all his dreams away. Even in his sleep, some part of Dean is still awake. And surprisingly, this part is at peace for once.

Dean wakes up in the morning and for a moment he doesn’t seem to remember anything. He feels disoriented, unsettled, confused. AndBut then, a face enters his field of view. It’s Cas. He looks at Dean. There is something familiar about his expression, and like a flash of lightening all of yesterday’s events come back to him.

His features contort in distress and his heart-beat begins to race. The guilt seeps into his body and engulfs him. All of it happens so swiftly that he feels like the wind has been blown right out of him. He sits up and takes his head into his hands. He doesn’t know what to say. It doesn’t matter that it was _a demon_ who probably deserved to be killed. That is not the point. What matters is that he betrayed Castiel’s unwavering faith in him. He let The Mark gain control. He let it happen and when it had all been done he hadn’t cared. At all. He begins to feel like every inch of the monster that he is. Fuck.

ThenBut then Cas cautiously moves towards him, he slowly removes Dean’s hands away from his face and hugs him. For a minute Dean is too stunned to respond. He can’t believe that after all this Cas would still care. That a pure, luminous being like him would think a creature like him mattered. But when Dean looks at Cas,and the expression on his face is not of repulsion or of fear. It is pure unadulterated love. And then Cas whispers, _“The darkest thoughts you ever have, the most murderous plans you ever make, the people you kill, no matter what you do Dean – I will stand by you through everything. There is nothing you can do or say which will make me love you any less than I do.”_ Dean is rendered speechless. There is a long silence which hangs over the two of them.

Finally Dean hugs him back. He hugs Cas almost violently – he would have been knocked out if he wasn’t an angel. He clings to Cas’s shirt and grips him tight. He is so scared. Cas really does love him, he finally has grasped that. And it is **terrifying**. He is broken and he is in pieces. Cas doesn’t deserve that. Doesn’t deserve someone like him. Someone who might go crazy and go on a rampage any day now. Someone whose veins permanently pump with the urge to kill, rip and tear. He deserves someone whole. He loves Cas. But he is afraid that he might not remain himself much longer and he has no idea what kind of person he is going to become once the walls break. He doesn’t want to be the one to break Castiel’s heart but Dean knows that it is probably going to happen. He hates himself.

For once Dean doesn’t make a move on Cas. Doesn’t even try to kiss him at all. It may sound girly and totally unlike him but Dean doesn’t want this to go any further right now. He feels much weaker than he ever has. Who knew that being a murderer and having complete control over someone’s life can make a person feel so helpless... He buries his head in Cas’s shirt and tries to hold back his urge to sob. He hates this monster he is becoming and no amount of effort on his part is doing any good. He is becoming darker and darker each day and he feels that it won’t be long before his knife is going to be red with the blood of innocent victims. He whispers apologies in Cas’s ears and pulls him closer each second. His head is aching badly, he is shaking and The Mark hurts like hell. But all those things don’t have to matter right now. It just him and Cas. And that is enough.

Neither of them know how long it has been but they do know it has been a while. Cas puts his palm on Dean’s mouth to stop the seemingly endless stream of apologies flowing from his mouth. He looks at him and asks, “Did he… did the demon… did he tell you about how to get into purgatory?”

“Yeah he did. But, the reaper… Cas he can’t transport angels.”

“I had begun to suspect that. Don’t worry about me. I’m going to be fine.”

“But I don’t wanna leave you.”

“And I don’t want you to leave. But this is something you need to do. Not only for yourself but for the greater good. For me too. It hurts me to see you in such pain. You have to go Dean. It is the right thing to do.”

“I know... It is just too hard. This sucks! It is so freaking unfair. We always do the right thing and what do we get? We didn’t even get to spend any time together. Shit. You don’t deserve this godammit. Not you.”

“That is not up to you to decide Dean. I had your love. Even if it was only for a little while. It was much, much more than I had ever expected to deserve. Ever even dreamt of deserving. These past few days Dean… You have given me much more than I could have ever hoped to get.”

“I’m a monster. How can someone pure like you ever love someone as tainted as me?”

“Dean. You are so amazing. And I wish I could say something that would help you. Something that would make you stop believing in this distorted image you have of yourself. If you could just see what I see, you would never hesitate to believe me.”

Dean responds the way he knows best – with sarcasm. He gives a laugh and an incredulous snort.

“Well… since it’s our last day together I was wondering if we could have sex.”

This time Dean lets out a genuine laugh. Cas is so weird. He really doesn’t like to mince words, he always speaks his mind out. And manages to seem sexy and innocent at the same time. And soon all of this would be a memory. He doesn’t wanna think about it. He wants to forget.

Dean captures Cas’s mouth with his own and they proceed to memorize each other as if each is trying to remember everything about the other before the separation. They get lost in trying to ease each other’s pain because now there really is no hope left. There is just their sadness and their love.

* * *


	12. I Owe You So Much...

I am looking at my brother as he loads his bags into the Impala at the Men of Letters bunker. It seems really absurd to pack for a place like Purgatory - it is hardly a vacation my brother is embarking upon. Dean had laughed and told me not to be a _worrywart_ when I had taken out the bags and started filling them up. But I had been adamant. I am not a ‘worrywart’ as he says, I am practical. Unlike my brother who always seems to be up to something mental.

Food is scarce in purgatory and I have tried to load the bag with as much as possible. Considering the fact that he may never return, I **couldn’t** have packed too much. I gave him our Demon Blade as he needs it more and there were other books and maps which I wanted him to take. Even though it is not his first time in purgatory, you can never be too prepared for a place like that.

Maybe I was just trying to distract myself from the reality. Dean hadn’t wanted me to come along – he’d wanted me to start the life he has always wanted for me. That’s just how he is – Dean has always tried to make everyone happy except himself. This permanent self-sacrificial state used to irk me when I was younger, and it still does sometimes. But now, I understand. I do. I understand the sense of responsibility he has always felt towards me and I have learnt to appreciate it.

When we get into the car I will be sitting in the front seat. I had tried to make Castiel take my place but he had insisted on me sitting shotgun. I am not complaining. This is probably the last road trip my brother and I will take. I am going to miss him a great deal. But I still feel like a third wheel. Castiel is my brother’s boyfriend – for lack of a better word. Though how can I refer to a millennia old seraph as someone’s boyfriend? The two of them have always shared a dynamic which makes everyone totally uncomfortable. As Cas had said a few years ago, it IS a profound bond. The two are permanently busy staring at each other. Communicating without words and everything. It makes people afraid to speak for fear of feeling like intruders. Now that they **are** together, the situation has worsened. The two of them cannot keep their hands off each other too. It is disturbing. They aren’t a conventional couple in any way but the two are so madly in love that it gives me a permanent urge to simultaneously puke and hug them.

Since we met Castiel, every time my brother and the angel are together, people always feel like third-wheels around them. Even back when we had just met him, Dean and Cas had appeared totally smitten and had been on the receiving end of many jokes. My brother, like the coward he is in such situations, never considered himself someone worthy of someone Cas which is why he literally waited years to make the first move. I had tried to convince him that Cas did share his feelings and that he would be lucky to have him but Dean had been incredulous. I had tried to get them together in vain but nothing had happened until just a few days ago. That day when Dean and Cas had emerged from Dean’s room holding hands and looking sappy, the smile on Dean’s face was the most brilliant smile I had ever seen on his face. He had seemed so incredibly happy. My brother has hardly gotten two pieces of happiness in his life. I had been glad for him. Castiel and Dean have always been busy with stuff on a much higher plane and seeing them together, happy after all this sadness and angst had tugged at my heart strings. (Whatever, I get sentimental sometimes.) Now the two of them are going to be separated again because we haven’t found a way to transport an angel into purgatory.

But, I am going to find a way. I am only thirty-one. And before I start a family or anything of that sort, I am going to use my powers of research to get Cas into purgatory. Because when Dean leaves, I know Cas is going to run off to Heaven to get crazy and desperate there and Dean will go crazy and desperate in Purgatory. I have got to help these two. I owe Dean that much. I haven’t told him that. He’d just ask me to go live my life. But, I want to give Dean back something – after all he has done for me. And, I am going to find a way.

Its only after I do that I will be able to get on with my own life.

* * *

 


	13. I Hate Goodbyes So Much...

* * *

_No I can't find the words cause I lost them,_  
_The minute they fell out of my mouth…_  
_And it's love and I'm in it,_  
_so, let's get messed up and listen to probably..._  
  
_The best mix-tape I have,_  
_And even all the bad songs ain't so bad._  
_I just wish there was so much more than that,_  
_About me and you..._

 **Mix-Tape** , Butch Walker

* * *

As I step out of my baby for the last time and give the keys to Sam, I feel strangely empty. It is like a part of me is being cut off. Fuck. I hate goodbyes.

The last road trip I’m ever going to take is over.

We have just reached Lincoln, to find Jeff - The Reaper who is going to take me to Purgatory. I thought that when we would reach the place I would be at least somewhat ready to leave and do what is necessary. But… now that we ARE here, there is not even a small part of me which feels even slightly interested in leaving.

I am irritated and annoyed though. What was even the point of me getting together with Cas if we were to not even get ten whole days together? This is just a typical situation for my life. And I don’t want to be a bitch and crib and whine but what the hell is wrong with this world? Couldn't give me a month of peace. Could it?

Sam has gone off to get some veggies for his lunch. He said that he didn't want to eat hamburgers again. Ever since my plan to leave finalized, we have been eating them a lot and also a LOT of pies. But I don’t think that is why Sam left. I know that he only left to give Cas and me a bit of privacy. And I am grateful for it. The entire trip has been about me and Sam re-living our old cases and memories and even though admittedly that was something I really needed, I could sense that Cas had been feeling a bit left out. He didn't say anything though. He had seemed to understand that I really needed to connect with Sammy before I left, needed to make sure that the dork would be okay with me gone.

But right now all I want to do is take the Impala and run off with Cas into the sunset and tell the world to fuck itself.

I can’t do that – obviously.

I don’t want to make a big deal of me leaving. Last night Cas and I had said our goodbyes. That had involved a lot of making out, a lot of sex and a lot of sappy, cheesy confessions. Embarrassingly, most of them had come from me. Cas doesn’t like to give long speeches. I didn't do that a lot before Cas either. But he’s different. I need to stop being all gooey.

So off we go to get hamburgers and pies and there is this awesome place called Honest Abe’s here which sells really epic burgers. We decide to walk. We are holding hands – another thing that I have never ever even thought of doing before Cas. Even with Lisa. But what the hell, it is my last day here and I don’t care what anyone thinks, if I feel like holding Cas’s hand then I damn well will.

I look at Cas as he eats his burger, the dude doesn’t need to eat but he always makes an exception for hamburgers. I have to agree –hamburgers are super epic. But they are not as great as pies. I have ordered Apple Pie. Last day remember? I’m sticking to the great American classic. As I take a huge creamy mouthful of delicious, sweet apple goodness with ice-cream, I feel like I’m in heaven. But, I’m never going to get to eat pie again. Great. I’m sick of this. Never going to do this, never going to do that. I have had more than my fair share of last days on Earth and more often than not I end up back where I started. Seeing Cas looking at me right now with that incredibly sad and beautiful smile, I think I have never wished more to be spared.

And if this is the one time I do not get to come back then… well then, everything certifiably sucks in this idiotic world. It is final. There is no such thing as karma.

Cas and I haven’t spoken for a while now. I don’t want to break this – whatever this quiet, peaceful silence is. Plus, I like combining eating pie and staring at Cas – it is bliss.

I really think Cas can read my mind because as I think that, his head breaks into a nod and he smiles at me. After the meal, I put the rest of the pie in my bag. So this is isn’t going to be the last time I eat pie. We pay the bill and leave the tip and leave the restaurant. The peaceful silence between us is cracking up with tension now. And not the good kind. I am going to be off to purgatory in less than two hours and that is hitting the two of us harder than before. His hand tightens around mine as I call Sammy and tell him to meet us where Jeff is supposed to be. We’d told this hunter Rudy to go check on the guy and make sure he was genuine before we came here. Dude had checked out. We’d called him and hashed out the details. Everything is ready. Everyone is ready.

I am not.

Not ready AT ALL.

I had expected this separation thing to be different. I had thought that we’d be making out like teenagers until the very last second but seems like neither of us is in the mood. We reach the place where Jeff had agreed to meet us. Jeff looks vaguely like Bobby. And surprisingly that gives me a bit of reassurance. I nod at him as we reach nearer.

His eyes flicker towards our entwined hands for a second but he says nothing. I grip tighter. We had already been gripping each other tightly but now it felt like we were trying to break each other’s hands. This getting crazy. Sammy’s on his way now. We wait for a while and we see Sammy returning. He waves at Jeff.

The four of us begin to walk towards and empty alley, it is evening now and the sun is just beginning to set. Cas looks freaking amazing, serene and all and I wish for the hundredth time that I didn’t have to leave. When we reach the alley and Jeff pauses, I grin at Sam, it’s a sad sort of grin – whatever that looks like. I hug my brother tightly and tousle his hair like I did when we were younger. “Bye Sammy. You stay safe, will you?” Sam nods. I look at my once tiny brother who now completely resembles a Sasquatch and say fondly “Bitch.”

“Jerk.” Sam returns. We hug again. I feel a bit better. Not much.

But now I am looking at Cas and the expression on his face is something I have never seen on his face before. He looks scared, terrified. But most surprising of them all – he looks like he is tearing up. Cas has never ever cried before. At least never in front of me. The fact that this completely amazing, wonderful, bad-ass being is in so much misery because of me, makes me shake inside out. Jeff asks me to take his hand so that we can leave. Now I really have to say my final goodbye to Cas. I feel like I’m crumbling into bits and pieces. I cup his face in my hands and look into his eyes, “ _Cas, you have got to know that leaving you,_ ” my voice cracks “ _Leaving you is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Ever. You know that right?”_ Shit. My eyes are tearing up. “ _And I … I love you, you nerd_ _angel_.”

I pull him by the collar of his trench coat and kiss him. This kiss is desperate. It is the kissing of two people who love each other more than anything and know that they aren’t going to see another day together. It takes all my strength to step away. The effort almost breaks me.

I look at Castiel for the last time. He is gorgeous. And I know now that I am always going to love him. And I promise myself that I am never going to stop. Not ever.

Then I step forward and take Jeff’s hand and my bags from Sam. I don’t look back at Cas again. I know that if I do, I am not going to be able to make it to purgatory. I look straight ahead. Somehow I know I am not coming back.

* * *

 

 


	14. Prayers To Castiel - Part 1

* * *

_And I wonder how things gonna be,_  
_'Cause the time here it passes so slow._  
_And you can't see the sky here at night,_  
_So I guess I can't make my way back._  
  
_What if I wanted you here right now,_  
_Would you fall in the fire burn me down?_  
_If I wanted you here right now._  
_Would you fall in the fire burn me down?_  
_If I wanted you here right now..._

 **City of Devils,**  Yellowcard

* * *

 

 Dear Castiel,

_I had promised to pray to you once I reached Purgatory and I wish there was some way I could know for sure if you can hear me. And even though there is no way, I am going to pray to you. Everyday. I want you to know that I am safe.  I don’t want you to worry. You have become as much of a worrywart as Sam._

_I reached Purgatory about an hour ago. I’m sorry I didn’t pray sooner. But, I had to get rid of some werewolves who attacked me the minute Jeff left. I wish I could say that killing them was something I didn’t enjoy. But, that would be a lie. I did end up feeling much better after I had snapped their heads off._

_I wish I could talk more. I can see a few gleaming eyes behind the bushes in front of me. I need to go. I love you. Take care of Sammy._

Dean 

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_This is just to let you know that I got rid of those creatures in the bushes. They were Leviathans. Even though I haven’t hunted Levi in ages, I wasn’t rusty at all. So, I’m safe. Okay? Don’t worry._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_Sleeping in purgatory is the most difficult thing ever. I can’t sleep AT all. Whenever I hide myself or try to get a wink, it doesn’t take these creatures even an hour to find me. I’m so fucking tired._

_Bloody hell, here they are again. I gotta go._

Dean

~~~

 

Dear Castiel,

_I have been trying to find Benny for quite a while now. I have been searching all over for info. But dude, no one has seen him. This sucks. Purgatory gets unbearable without an ally._

_I ate the last of my food today. Even though I have kept the whisky safe. I have to start hunting from tomorrow. God. I am going to miss real food. Don’t miss me too much._

Dean

_~~~_

Dear Castiel,

_You have no idea how much eating half cooked rabbit sucks. Yuck. It tastes like a sonofabitch! At least I am not starving though. I should be grateful._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_I know you would be glad to know that I am not feeling any effects of The Mark now. It never even burns anymore. Tell this too Sam too._

_Also, I ate a squirrel today. Tasted disgusting. I still feel like puking._

_Don’t tell Sammy but I am glad he put those books in my bag. They are keeping me sane. I didn’t know reading was not boring. But it is not as great as almost anything else._

_Still no sign of Benny._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_I haven’t had even an hour of sleep since day before yesterday. I don’t even remember what day it is. I feel completely lost sometimes._

_I am safe though. I am unharmed and fine. Okay? You take care of yourself and Sammy for me._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_I hate to admit it but I am scared. There is no sign of Benny anywhere and I think he might have been killed. I haven’t slept in god knows how long. God. I miss that week of sleeping peacefully next to you. I wish I could get some rest._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_I got some sleep. Sorry for the last prayer. I don’t want you to worry. Wipe away that scowl from your pretty face. I am perfect. I just needed that sleep._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_I know I haven’t prayed to you in a few days. I just. Well… I didn’t know what to say. I don’t wanna bore you with my whining. Everything is more or less the same._

_I wish you could reply to my prayers Cas. I miss you baby. So damn much._

_And no. I am not calling you an infant. That just something humans say._

Dean

~~~

Hey Cassanova,

_I am totally sloshed right now. I gulped all that whiskey down. Ha! Do you know that you are sexaaay? Shit. I don’t think you do. Well… let me tell you that you are smoking hot! Which is not to say you are on fire or anything so don’t panic. I just find you... delicious._

_I wish I was with you. We had some great sex those ten days. More than great. Awesome sex. Best sex of my life. Ha ha. I slept with an angel. Mom would be proud._

_Or not._

_I don’t know what she would be._

_You are sexy. Oh wait. Did I already tell you that? But I’m telling you again. That’s how sexy you are babe. I miss your stubble._

_I like your tie and your suit. I also like your birthday suit. Or is it Jimmy’s birthday suit? Hmm. Creepy. Or kinky? I dunno._

_I want your ass-butt._

_I am so bombed._

_I can’t stop laughing._

_Hey Cas, maybe you should just spring me out of here for the night. A booty call! Yay._

_What am I doing? You can’t hear me right?_

_Hellooooo. Helloooo. Hahahaha. Wrong number._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_Being hung-over in Purgatory sucks ass. I don’t remember last night at all. If I prayed and said something depressing or mental, don’t mind me. I am perfectly fine. I gotta go._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_So I got a lead on Benny. I was torturing this shape-shifter, and it told me. I am going to check it out._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_I wish I knew how Sammy was. I wish you could tell me. Is he off finding a nice girl? Did he get a job or something? I really, really wish I knew. I miss him a lot too. Tell my little brother that I miss him. Won’t you?_

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_I know it has been way too long. I know I deserve to be killed for not praying to you sooner but I just couldn’t you know. These past few days, I missed you like hell man. I went a bit crazy. I kept on imagining scenarios where I had told you sooner that I loved you. We could have had months… Years even. That would have been… wow._

_I couldn’t be bothered to make a move. I suck. Sorry. I really hate myself for that. Now, all I can dream about is getting one more day with you._

_That lead with Benny didn’t get me any closer to finding him. I am so lonely. I don’t even have a friend. And now, I am here shouting to the skies when I don’t even know if you can hear me. The time here passes so slowly. I feel aimless. I feel useless._

_Cas. I miss you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

Dean

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 


	15. A Letter To Dean

**Dear Dean,**

_Hey jerk._

_I know that you are never going to read this letter. I know it looks rather pointless. But, there is some stuff I really need to get off my chest which is why I am going to write. And you are just going to have to deal with it._

_I knew that when you would leave things would get tough. I knew that. But honestly, I didn’t know that they would get **so** tough. I didn’t know that everything would get so unbearably difficult. _

_I know I told you that I was going to try and live a normal life after you left. But come on. That is something we always say but never do. Except that one time when you were in Purgatory. Remember how mad you got when you realized that I hadn’t been looking for you?_

_Well, I have been trying so hard to find a way to get Cas into Purgatory. I have tried everything. Talked to everyone I know. Gone over EACH and EVERY book we have but there is nothing I could find that would help us in the slightest. And… I don’t know what to do anymore Dean._

_Cas is dejected and down all the time. I have never seen anything like it. All he does all day is sit around and wait for your next prayer. And each day that goes without a message from you is hell for the guy. He is completely heartbroken._

_On most days, he raids liquor stores and comes back totally bombed. He is drunk all the time and doesn’t pay any attention to anything. He just doesn’t seem to care anymore. About anything._

_The letter you wrote to him when you first confessed your feelings is always in his hands. He doesn’t ever let it out of his sight. He reads and rereads it. He haunts your room in the bunker day in, day out, week after week. He refuses to talk and disappears the minute I start to talk about anything even remotely related to you. It is not like I can take him to a psychiatrist. There is no telling what he might end up saying. It seems like there is no helping him._

_I have tried so hard to convince him to go back to heaven. Tried to force him even. Maybe someone there can help him. But he doesn’t listen at all.  I know that it was the right thing to do. I know that you were miserable Dean. But sometimes, I wish you hadn't left. Cas is hurting and I cannot see my friend like this anymore. There seems to be no solution. ~~I think he might even get suicidal soon. I really won’t be able to handle that.~~_

_He misses you Dean._

_I miss my brother too. Goddammit._

_I don’t know what to do. I have no idea._

_But I promise I am not giving up though. Never._

_You take care of yourself Dean._

**Sammy**


	16. Prayers To Castiel - Part 2

* * *

_I spend my time just thinking about you,_  
_And it's almost driving me wild._  
_But it's my heart that's breaking,_  
_Down this long distance line tonight._  
  
_There's a message in the wires,_  
_And I'm sending you a signal tonight._  
_You don't know how desperate I've become,_  
_And it looks like I'm losing this fight._

 **Missing You** , Tyler Hilton

* * *

  
Dear Castiel,

_I’m so sorry for being such a chick. I shouldn’t have been like that last time I spoke to you. I know you must be hurting and I don’t want to add to it. I’m totally great here. Really Cas._

_I even had a delicious meal last night. Though I didn’t particularly support hunting Bambi when I was on Earth, deer meat DOES taste excellent. Especially when you haven’t eaten anything even remotely edible in days._

_Sorry for making you worry._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_Benny is near. He is somewhere in these parts and I am sure I am going to find him soon. Every sign points to it. I am so relieved._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_I found him._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_I know the last prayer was rather abrupt. Anyway, there is a reason for it. These vamps had captured Benny and were trying to capture me through him or something. We barely made out alive._

_He’s okay though. And I am okay. I got a huge wound though. Going to clean it. Don’t wanna die of tetanus in a place like this. Would be a shame._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_Benny was so shocked to see me. He thought I was a trickster or something. Took me hours to convince him that it was me. Now that he has finally realized that I am here, he is asking me questions about The Mark **all the time**. I’m getting really sick of it._

_Awesome to see a friendly face after all these months though. Don’t you worry about me baby. I am all right._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_Things are MUCH better. I can sleep now, without any worries. Benny can stand guard. Thank god._

_Talking to Benny has made me feel more human somehow._

_The food is much better too. It is hardly easy to kill wild animals with a tiny knife. Benny has these fangs and killer instincts. Made my job a lot easier._

_I miss you too much._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_I just defeated this huge Wendigo with just my hands. My fighting skills are getting AWESOME. I wish you could see. Sammy would have died of jealousy._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_Just a friendly reminder of the fact that I love you. And I am safe. I am in such a good mood. Benny just killed a huge deer. Gotta go chomp on some meat. So hungry._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_Hey. So we passed by that stream where we found you today. Being there was hard. Even though I knew it was pointless, I kept looking for you. I know, I know – it’s stupid. But you were the one being stupid – hiding from me ‘cause you wanted me to be safe. Cas, you really are weird._

_Anyhow, I feel guilty about how much I miss you sometimes. I shouldn’t think about you so much but I do. All the freakin’ time. I wish I knew if you missed me too._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_Benny caught me praying the other night. He laughed a lot and made absurd jokes. But I don’t think I am going to pray to you as much as before now. Not because of Benny but because I think you deserve to move on and let go of me. Hearing my voice in your head all the time must be difficult. I know it would have been tough for me._

_I love you. I still do. Know that. Okay? And I’m not going to die anytime soon._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_I am sorry. I knew I had said that I won’t bug you anymore. But, we fought this siren today. For me, it turned into a splitting image of you. Gawd Cas! Thank god Benny was there. Seeing you like that, in front of me drove me nuts. I almost succumbed. Almost. But I am okay._

_You are so amazing. Too incredibly edible for your own good. God. I miss you too much. This hurts._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_It has been almost a year since I left. I am not sure. I don’t remember the dates anymore at all. I haven’t heard your voice in so long. I had a dream last night. You were in it. It reminded me of how sexy and gravelly your voice is.  
If I could control my dreams, I would definitely have you in everyone. I want to hear your voice one more time. Please._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_Sorry for the unrealistic demand. I know I can’t see you again. I just. I… Fuck._

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_Guess what? Benny and I are on a hunt. There is this creature here which seems to be capable of killing every sort of evil son of a bitch. If it is friendly, we need it on our side. It might change our situation completely. I wonder what it is…_

Dean

~~~

Dear Castiel,

_We have been hearing some stuff. All sorts of creatures say that the creature they encountered was an angel. Are you here? Did Sammy find a way?_

_We are going back to the stream. I know it is a long shot but Cas if you are listening, try to get there. I don’t think I have the energy to spend one more second without you with you being so near. I’ll try not to get my hopes up too much. I love you._

Dean

* * *

 


	17. I Had Wanted To Believe So Much...

* * *

_A hundred days have made me older,_  
_Since the last time that I saw your pretty face._  
_A thousand lies have made me colder,_  
_And I don't think I can look at this the same…_  
  
_But all the miles that separate,_  
_Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face…_  
  
_I'm here without you, baby,_  
_But you're still on my lonely mind._  
_I think about you, baby,_  
_And I dream about you all the time._

 **Here Without You** , Three Doors Down

* * *

 

They had just finished beheading the last of the Leviathans. Dean and Benny needed to run before the head and body reattached itself. They had no other options. It wasn’t as if Dean could transport copious amounts of borax to Purgatory.

These goddamned Leviathans. The moment they would re-attach themselves, they would surely come seeking revenge. And angry Leviathans were no joke.

“Dean. It has been four days now. We can’t risk hanging around the stream any longer. These creatures will eat us alive.” Benny said as he began separating the heads and bodies.

“So what? Am I just supposed to give up on Cas? Is that what you are saying?” snarled Dean, wiping the last of the sticky black Levi goop from his face.

“I didn’t say that.” murmured Benny.

“Well you meant it. Dude, you can leave whenever you want to. But, I am going to wait. Even if there is even the smallest chance that Cas is here, I am going to wait. I have to. You can do whatever you want.”

“I am not leaving you, brother.”

“Then I guess we are staying.”

“Look, we need to be practical here. If you are dead, there is no way that will do any good for that angel of yours.”

“But…” started Dean. But before he could continue, Benny interrupted him.

“Dean. I get it, brother. I am no stranger to love. But I have been trapped in this hellhole much longer than you have. I know this place better than I know myself. What we are doing here– it is suicidal. Maybe we should just leave for a few days, we’ll come back. Trust me, we can’t hang around here indefinitely. Try to get it through your thick head.”

“And what if he turns up while we are gone? What if these enraged things do something to him? What then?” demanded Dean.

“How do you know if he is even coming? We have gotten no signs, no clues – for days. Let’s just leave now. We’ll come back.”

“Let’s just wait until tonight. We’ll leave tomorrow morning. Please.”

“Alright. But we ARE leaving tomorrow. And don’t try to change my mind tomorrow. This is dangerous. I am dragging your sorry ass out of here kicking and screaming if I have to.”

“Fine.” Spat Dean, relenting at last.

Before the Leviathans could rejoin and follow them, Dean and Benny had to get moving. They had to get as far away as they could and so they began to move along the stream far enough that the monsters couldn’t sense them. They gotten pretty good at fleeing and covering their tracks over time.

Dean had food left over from the day before. Benny however, needed a fresh supply of blood. He needed to hunt. Dean usually accompanied him but today he wanted to stay close to the stream. He didn’t want Cas to come looking for him to find them gone.

Dean was not an idiot, he knew that there was little to no chance of Cas actually being there in Purgatory. He really had tried not to get his hopes up, but had failed miserably. Every part of him was wishing relentlessly for the rumors to be true. He had wanted to believe in them so badly. And he had. But now, it had already been five days and there had been no sign of Cas. Dean’s hope was wavering and his energy was already drained. He had prayed each of the five days, Cas knew where they were and if he wasn’t here yet, that could only mean one thing – he wasn’t coming.

He suddenly begun to realize that Benny was right. Cas wasn’t coming. And after experiencing this – this false hope which had flooded him, engulfed him - it seemed even harder to let go of the idea that Castiel was somewhere near. He thought about Cas, he wondered if he was back at heaven, he wondered if the angels had brainwashed him again and he wondered if Cas really even cared anymore.

* * *

 

As soon as Benny came back Dean told him to keep an eye around. He really needed some rest. He couldn’t take this shitty day any more. He had spent a lot of time overthinking this stuff about Cas and needed to stop being a child and get up and move on. But all he ever dreamt about was Castiel. This was driving him crazy. Being this vulnerable made him feel weak. Dean Winchester hated feeling weak. He had to get some sleep. He couldn’t dwell on this forever.

Dean lay down with his back against a tree. He hadn’t expected sleep to come so soon. But he was tired. He fell asleep as soon as he shut his eyes.

* * *

 


	18. What on Earth!? (Or rather - "What on Purgatory!?")

* * *

_I took a walk around the world t_ _o ease my troubled mind,_  
_I left my body lying somewhere in the sands of time._  
_But I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon,_  
 _I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah._

 **Kryptonite** , Three Doors Down

* * *

 

 Dean is dreaming. But he doesn’t know that. Obviously. It is one of his usual recurring nightmares which further heighten his fear of being helpless and abandoned and this one is a pretty bad one.

_Dean opens his eyes and all he sees around himself is darkness. He rubs his eyes in a failed attempt to get a clear view of something, anything. There is nothing to see. He rubs them again, trying to get a grip on himself. When he opens his eyes again, nothing is visible. He calls out for help but there is no answer._

_Now, he is starting to freak out. What the hell! Is he going blind? Fuck. His heart begins to race and he tries in vain to say something, anything. No words exit his mouth. He tries to stand up, stay still. His legs don’t move. They feel numb, paralyzed. He thrashes his hands about, unable to understand this sudden loss of his senses._

_The sensation returns in his legs now, it feels like thousands of tiny shards of ice are stabbing him all over. Then there are hands on him. Something is pulling him, dragging him god knows where. He is quaking. Too stunned to resist whatever it is that is doing this to him, Dean continues being dragged along. He feels something hot now, like embers, burning him from beneath. He is in hell again. He can hear laughter, howls of delight, screams and yells. Now he begins to scream on the top of his voice, begging for someone – anyone to help him. He opens his eyes, which had clenched shut again and he sees eyes – bright yellow, luminous eyes. They are all around him. He doesn’t know what to do. He is weak and powerless. He has no control. Again._  

* * *

 

“Dean. Dean.”

Dean hears someone calling his name. The sound feels odd, distant.

“You need to snap out of it. Dean. Wake up.”

He listens more carefully this time. The voice - it’s familiar. It sounds like…

No. It cannot be.

What the hell? Now there are familiar brown eyes looking down at him and two pairs of hands shaking him and trying to wake him up. Dean jerks awake. He sees Benny standing next to a tall creature. This thing, it looks just like his brother.

“What the hell?! Sam? No way! ” roars Dean. He madly rushes to grab his knife and bag. This isn’t Sam. So what kind of creature is this? It is not like a demon could use Sam as a meat-suit to enter this place. He draws out a knife, gesticulating widely at Benny to grab the Sam lookalike.

Benny stops him before he stabs. “It is your brother Dean. I checked.” Dean stops in his tracks. When he finally comes to his senses, what he sees make him think that he is still asleep. It  **is**  Sam. In Purgatory. It is him - with his stupid hippy clothes and overgrown puppy like appearance. There is no doubt. Sam Winchester is in Purgatory.

“Sam? What in God’s name? Are you mental?” explodes Dean. He can’t believe how stupid his brother can be.

 “Calm down Dean. Yes, it is me. Get a grip on yourself. Please.”

Dean gets up on his feet and stares back at Sam and Benny who are looking at him – wide eyed. As if he is the one not supposed to be here. Bloody hell! What is Sam doing here? Where is Cas? Dean grabs his bag and takes out a bottle of water and gulps all the water down, he needs to get his head straight.

“Well… Are you ready to listen now?”

Dean nods and tries to smile at Sam. He ends up making some sort of a grimace. He feels irritated, why is he being treated like a kid? Like Sam hasn’t had his share of nightmares.

“Okay. So. Dean, you left and Cas went totally up the wall. Started drinking, smoking even and stopped speaking. He refused to go back to heaven, was miserable and started looking like nine kinds of shit,” begins Sam. “I know, I know – you wanted me to give up the life. Yeah, yeah. Like we both don’t know already that that was never going to happen anyway.” Explains Sam.

Dean glares at Sam. Whatever.

“Anyhow, seeing his condition made me realize that you probably were in a much worse state. He was always more adjusted than you. And I couldn’t sit there and do nothing. No way. My normal life couldn’t start right now. It will start Dean. But, first I need to know that you are going to be okay. Cas too.”

“I began researching, trying to find a way – any way to get Cas in here with you. I couldn’t find anything. I had read about witches tapping into Purgatory for their spells. Since there was nothing left to do, I ended up at a coven. Those witches, they tried to kill me and everything. Same old, same old. And I hid around the place and captured this witch Clovis – she was easily persuaded. Told me everything she knew.”

“Wow. You are more suicidal than I gave you credit for.” Dean jeers. He shuts up when both Sam and Benny glare at him.

“So get this – she said that maybe instead of pushing him into Purgatory from the outside, we could pull him inside.”

“No shit. Great angle Sammy. How the hell are we gonna do that?” Dean mutters.

“Don’t you get it? We are going to open up the portal from here and pull Cas inside!” exclaims Sam.

“Its never gonna work.” Counters Dean.

“We have to at least try.”

“Not gonna work. Don’t you get it? It is not that simple.”

“Shut you face brother. Stop being a bitch. All you do every day is whine over old Hot Wings and now you are just giving up? Just like that? Give the kid some credit.” Benny chimes in.

“I’m not. I don’t. I don’t whine. Shuddup. He’s lying, Sam.” Dean chokes.

“Knowing you Dean, I think it’s more likely that he isn’t lying. Every time Cas is out of your sight, you go all Nick Cave on me.” Chortles Sam.

“Okay, A, I have no idea who that is and B – I most certainly do not.”

“Stop fightin’. How about we just get a move on? Dean and I had plans to move to another area anyway. Everything around here is out for us.”

“What do you say Dean? Off to the portal?” questions Sam.

“Yeah. I guess. Still don’t think it’s gonna work but sure. We had to leave. Let’s leave.” Demurs Dean. Dean still isn’t ready to be all smiles. Who said Sam was the practical one? Still, it isn’t like he hadn’t missed Sam. “It is good to see you Sammy,” Says Dean. “Even though you  **are**  really dumb and suicidal.” With that he pulls Sam in for a classic Winchester hug.

* * *

 


	19. Different...

* * *

_Even the best fall down sometimes,_

_Even the wrong words seem to rhyme._

_Out of the doubt that fills my mind,_

_O_ _ut of the doubt that fills your mind,_

_I somehow find,_

_You and I collide…_

**Collide** , Howie Day

* * *

 

The gleaming yellow eyes from the bushes and the sharp nails were proof enough. They were dealing with a werewolf.

Sam and Dean didn’t need Benny shouting, “It’s a werewolf, brother. Get out the silver!” to know that. They were much, much better hunters than that. Over the years, Sam and Dean had come across hundreds of these creatures.

There was something about this one, though… even though it was powered up, it wasn't snarling, poised to attack. The werewolf was looking at them, staring as if it were trying to figure something out. They stared right back.

Then it turned its back towards them and when it looked at them again, the eyes were no longer yellow but a lovely shade of brown, the teeth were no longer sharp and dangerous looking and the face – it wasn't an evil face. Not in the slightest. She peered at them through her long, curly eyelashes and Sam’s breath caught in his throat.

* * *

 

The moment my eyes met those startlingly beautiful hazel ones, I think my heart stopped. Even though it had been over eight years, I have never forgotten her. Never could.

She was… different.

In a flash I was transported back – eight years ago. I was just twenty-two then, incredibly innocent and idealistic. Pure, even.

Pure in a way I haven’t been in years. I had demon blood in me even back then but there was something about me at that age (which I lost doing all that I have been doing since.)

I remember seeing this girl and feeling the instant attraction, feeling drawn to her. I remember sitting next to her, watching a silly soap opera. Laughing our heads off when I actually ended up loving the show. And I remember telling her that she was different – in a good way. I remember the  ~~~~hesitant, incredulous,smile she gave me when I said those words.

I also remember the look on her face when I accused her of being a monster, the fear in her eyes. I remember hating myself for being the one who put that look there. I remember the frightened gasp she had made when she realized I wasn’t lying about her being a werewolf.

And I think back about the few wonderful hours when we thought that she had been cured, those heated kisses, so full of meaning. Making love.

I remember her asking me to kill her when we realized she wasn’t cured, my heart breaking as she said those words.

I remember the sound of gunshot which had broken my heart. I remember crying over her lifeless body. I remember all of it –too well.

Madison. Maddy.

“Sam. Sam Winchester? Is it really you?” She demands, her eyes disbelieving.

I can only gape at her in reply.

Dean answers her question for me, “its Madison. Right? From San Francisco? Yeah. It is us – Sam and Dean.”

“Wow. It really **is** you guys. I don’t believe it! What are you doing here? Did you get turned into monsters too?”

“Something like that.” says Dean, running his hands through his hair.

“And who is this guy? So… hanging out with vampires huh? Guess this is what you guys do – vampires, werewolves and the all rest. Thought I was the monster exception.” questions Madison, her curiosity is evident on her face which is still disbelieving.

“Don’t worry about it honey. You were always special to Sammy here.” I begin to blush furiously. I must look idiotic. Dean turns to Benny “This is Maddy, old werewolf buddy of ours.”

Benny lets out an amused half smile and draws out his hand.

Madison shakes his hand but she is looking at me again. It must seem like I have gone nuts – staring at her like that and not saying a word. I manage to smile and my heart is beating at a pace of   ~~~~a thousand miles per minute.

When I still can’t manage to make a sound, she looks at Dean again. “So… why is he not saying anything?”

“Oh. That. Knowing my brother, I think the Sasquatch can’t process how happy he is to see you. You must remember him being thick-headed? ” I have to speak now. Dean’s totally going to blow this… whatever this is… for me unless I start speaking. In some ways, he hasn’t changed even a bit.

“Shut up, Dean. Hi Madison! Long time.” I say. Phew! I just said something coherent. I mentally congratulate myself.

“Yeah”, she replies, “Long time. How are you?” I notice that her hair has grown really long – it is almost up to her waist. Even in this place, this horrible, horrible place – she manages to look gorgeous. My heartbeat just sped up again.

“I am great. Great.” She beams at me.

 “Really? In this place? I’m glad.” She lets out a small smile at that and I feel like I am no longer in Purgatory. Like I have died and gone to heaven.

“So. Forgive me if I am being rude. But most of the… err… things in here are bat-shit crazy. How are you so sane?” Dean demands. He seems suspicious.

“The same way you are, I guess. I don’t want be a monster. Don’t wanna hurt anybody. Once I came here, after the initial shock had worn off, I realized that I didn’t need to eat hearts. This place is made that way. It’s not like there are any humans to feed on anyway.” “So anyway, all these creatures in here wanted to just fight – for territory and stuff. I used my powers for self-defense but mostly, I just… I have been wandering around. Thinking.”

“Wow. You **are** well adjusted. This place is already driving me nuts and you have been here for years. How do you do it?”

“Nah. Don’t get me wrong. Don’t think I run around dancing and prancing. I am usually depressed... I didn’t expect my life to turn out this way. But I am mostly okay. I am getting along. And it’s not like I have a choice.” She admits. I force myself to speak again.

“This is just. You are so…” I begin.

“Different?” she interrupts.

“Yeah. That.” I grin. Her smile wavers, then fades almost entirely. I’m suddenly reminded this surreal chance encounter is only happening because we’re standing in the middle of Purgatory.  

“I am so glad to see you both. But I know about the human portal. And I’m guessing you guys are going to be getting out soon. Right?” she sighs.

“Nah,” Dean drawls, “At least not me. And after meeting you here, I dunno about my brother here either. I am too much of a monster for the outside world. We are going to the portal though, come with us. Sammy’s gonna love that. It is a long story. Will explain on the way.” Dean replies, putting his knife into the bag.

“Seriously? You’re staying here? That is the best news I have heard. Can’t find anything even remotely human in here.” She smiles.

I suddenly feel hopeful, it’s like a weight has suddenly been lifted from my chest. And as the four of us amble along the path to the portal, I’m looking at Madison and she’s looking at me. It doesn’t feel like Purgatory any more. And for a moment, I feel happier than I have felt in a long, long time.

* * *

 

 


	20. Prayers To Castiel - Part 3

* * *

_I am still waiting, though I still have my doubts,_  
_I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out._  
  
_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,_  
_With a broken heart that's still beating._  
_In the pain, there is healing,_  
_In your name I find meaning._  
_So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on,_  
_I'm barely holdin' on to you._

 **Broken** , Lifehouse

* * *

 

Dear Castiel,

_Just wanted to let you know that Sam found Benny and me. I had really, really hoped that it’d be you but hey, having Sammy here ain’t too bad._

_Although he **is** being a real bitch, with his “not going to start my life unless you’re happy” and everything. What Jennifer Aniston movie does he think we’re in?_

_I wanted to talk to you about some stuff Sam told me ‘bout. But this ain’t the right time. I’ll pray to you. Uh. Later._ _Okay?_

Dean

* * *

 

Dear Castiel,

_I dunno how to talk about this man. I mean this is so fucking hard – reminds me of a lot of shitty stuff. You have been drinking? Doing drugs? Over dosing? What the fuck!?_

_Dammit Cas!_

_I’m sorry for blaring like this, I just don’t know what to say. I feel so guilty, I mean - corrupting an angel, then leaving him alone to torture himself and load up on booze and drugs that is not something any half decent guy would do._

_You know I love you. Shit. I can’t bear to think of you like that – broken and hurt. ‘Cause that’s not you. That’s always been me and now, **now** I have made you into someone like me and God knows that is something I never wanted. _

_A few years back Zachariah took me back to this, this alternate reality or something, you were this cult leading, orgy organizing junkie there. Who had a lot of crazy sex with everyone but me and had this kind of lost, dazed, hopeless look in his eyes. That look made me fall apart in every way humanly possible. And now... Somehow we have reached the same destination. Haven’t we?_

**_I_ ** _did this to you, and it doesn’t matter that I didn’t mean to, I never do. Bad things just have to happen to the people I care about and I am sorry. Sorry for falling for you, sorry for making you fall from heaven for me. And I am sorry for pulling you into my mess, sometimes I wish you had never found my letter, I wish I would have ended up dead like I had intended to. At least you would’ve been better off. I dunno if Sam’s plan to get you in here will work but if it does I promise you I’ll try to make up for all this shitton of pain and hurt I’ve caused man._

_I’m sorry._

_And Cas, if not… Then please, please forget about me. Go live your life, heaven and the angels need you. I… I’m insignificant. I ain’t someone worth losing your life over. And I sure as hell ain’t someone worth dying over._

_Don’t do this to yourself._

Dean

* * *

 

Dear Castiel,

_Sam found a girl, or rather a werewolf. It’s a long story, we’d met her ages back, long before we’d even met you or known something like angels even existed. Just like the sap he is, Sam fell in love with her, almost instantly. We **had** to put her down, we didn’t know that werewolves could survive without killing people. But now… we **do** know, I dunno what she’s gonna do with that knowledge, or if she’d hate us for destroying her life – for not looking more carefully for a cure._

_Sam hasn’t said anything to her yet about the kind of lifestyle Kate and Garth are living._

_It **is** hilarious to see him stuttering like a teenager again. God. Sam has never got girls, his stupidity makes me wanna laugh and hurl at the same time._

_He seems happy though and that is something to be thankful for. God knows I have needed a win for so long. We are nearing the portal Cas, and I know you are waiting for us – waiting for me. All I can do is hope it works. I really, really hope it does._

Dean

* * *

 

Dear Castiel,

_The nearer we get to the portal, the more excited I am getting. I’ve given up on trying not to get my hopes up. I want to see you, and I want to have you all for myself. And not for a day or two, not for a week – for a long, long time. With you I wanna be selfish. And I have never met anyone – anyone with whom I’d like to spend forever with but with you..._

_I’ve been screwed over enough for a lifetime. I’m due some happiness after all this at least._

_And you, you stop all that drinking and getting high, stop killing yourself. You are going to be here soon, and then I am not letting you go anywhere. You are going to stay right here, with me. And we are going to be happy. Enough of the universe fucking us over and over again. So whatever harm you want to do to yourself, please don’t do it to me. I can’t take any more of this._

_Wait for us. Wait for me. I **am** coming to get you, angel._

Dean

* * *

 

Dear Castiel,

_I think we’re probably gonna make it to the portal by tomorrow. I’d love to tell you all that I’m going to do to you when I get my hands on you, but you never know who is listening on the angel radio. I don’t wanna permanently scar those virgin angels._

_Sam and Madison keep on running off together all the time, they return with such goofy grins on their faces, like Benny and I don’t know what they’re up to. Benny is getting all weird though, hardly speaks to me anymore. Something’s up with him, I can’t put my finger on what it is._

_So tomorrow I’m gonna try and pull you into purgatory, funny isn’t it? Two years ago I all but died trying to get you out. Y’know we should have stayed here angel. I mean Sam was getting on with his life – we were together – you and me. All this nasty business with Naomi, Metatron and this Mark of Cain would have never even happened. Life is really trying to drive us nuts man, so the next time I get you to myself, there is not going to be any teenage angsty business, there is not going to be any of our usual pig headedness getting in the way. Nothing’s going to get in the way._

_I am a bit worried about you, Purgatory makes you so human and I bet you are going to be sore as hell after we do what I have planned for us. You may not know it, but I’m winking at ya. Let’s give Sammy something to bitch about!_

Dean

* * *

 

Dear Castiel,

_Sammy’s on his way to the portal. He’s gonna come get you. This huge ‘gang’ or whatever of Leviathan accosted us on the way to the portal, they knew we were coming, god knows how. Nothing’s a secret in Purgatory I guess. I am yelling out this prayer ‘cause I am fighting off these black goopy monsters. I couldn’t let Sam fight, he is so out of practice, it is not even funny - one or two Levi is the most he can handle._

_So… I hope he manages to pull you in. Come back to me. Please._

Dean

* * *

 


	21. I Missed You So Much...

* * *

_Ache, can watch you break, and shatter._  
_Saved, new lives to make, us better._  
_I'm letting you know, cleansing my soul_  
_Been letting you know, for days_  
  
_Turn over everything,_  
_Time can heal us again._  
_I'm standing in your arms,_  
_Reaching inside of me, bringing the love I need_  
_The loneliness has gone._

 **Tender** , Feeder

* * *

 

As Dean and Benny finished off the last of the Levi, Dean’s heartbeat refused to slow down like it usually did after a hunt.

Even though hunting **always** caused an adrenaline rush, it was not something Dean was afraid of, not something that terrified him even a bit.  If anything, ever since the Mark of Cain happened – it had become oddly satisfying. The only thing that terrified him now was the thought of never seeing Castiel again, and that was the one kind of torture Dean was in no way equipped to endure.

It was dark already and Sam and Madison had been gone for a while now, there was no sign of them. Dean had begun to feel dizzy. No way, this couldn’t happen. Not again. His heart pounded faster, sped up and showed no sign of faltering. He continued to stare at the direction of the portal.

As the time passed, the familiar feeling of hopelessness struck Dean again, pulsed through him – unnerving every inch of his body, spreading from his fingers to the tips of his toes. He cursed himself for not growing accustomed to it after all this time.

* * *

 

Dean had just begun to spiral into his personal web of self-loathing when he looked up again and saw shadows in the distance. It was dark but he could distinguish three figures, not two. His mind told him to move, do something, break into a run, anything. But he was too scared, too stunned and too numb and too dazed to believe what he was seeing. He felt paralyzed, it was as if invisible hands were holding him affixed to the ground, he couldn't do anything but stare.

As the figures grew closer Dean could sense some noise, someone was speaking to him but he was in no mood to listen. It was only when green eyes met blue ones that Dean was able to move again. It really was Cas, they were the same brilliant blue eyes, chapped lips and mussed hair he had been dreaming about every night. It was him. Dean’s mind was buzzing. “He’s here. He’s here. He’s here.” The words begun to play in his head again and again as he began to walk towards Castiel like a zombie, completely ignoring Sam, Madison and Benny as he walked past them and it was only when he was completely in Castiel’s personal space that he stopped.

“Finally.” Whispered Dean as he pulled Cas to him. He engulfed the angel in his arms and buried his head in Cas’s neck, taking him in. This was his paradise, Dean would probably not admit it but his eyes were already filled with tears of joy. He was so happy, much happier than he had ever been, much happier than he could ever hope to be. Relief flooded him as he held Castiel close, not yet ready to let him go.

Cas’s eyes were wide when Dean finally pulled away to look at him. He looked even more bewildered and clueless than before. “Wow.” Thought Dean. “How adorable is he? Wait. What? No, no, no, not adorable, hot. Yeah. I don’t find people adorable.”

And before Dean could initiate a kiss it was Cas who was moving closer and placing his lips on Dean. Quickly, before Dean could return the kiss, he moved away, seeming more confused than ever. But Dean was in no mood for chaste kisses, with enough excitement to lift Cas off his feet, he surged forwards and kissed him furiously, as if making up for lost time. He began to run his tongue along Cas’s lips and when he finally managed to pry them open he took no time in slipping his tongue inside, exploring the familiar contours of his mouth. Somewhere along the line Cas’s hands came up to grasp Dean’s hair while Dean’s arms were still along Cas’s neck, trying to keep him as close as he could. As the kiss continued to grow rough by the second, Dean’s beard had grown in Purgatory and Cas’s cheeks were surely going to have a lot of beard burn later, his hands in Dean’s hair tightened their grip, thankful for the extra hair growth which allowed him to pull and tug. Dean’s mind went completely and utterly blank as he lost himself in the sensation of having Cas with him, they were beginning to recede into a messy tangle when Benny let out a cough.

“What the hell, man. Go away. Find something to do!” bellowed Dean as Cas begun to turn red and look sheepish. Sam and Madison started laughing. “All of you.” Demanded Dean, glaring at the three of them.

When they left, Dean was still holding Cas. “You’re here.” He said, trying not to choke up and start bawling of relief and sheer contentment.

“Dean.” Breathed Cas. He seemed incapable of saying anything else. Neither of them were ready to speak anymore and in typical Dean and Cas fashion the two of them stood and stared at each other, trying to convince themselves that they were together, that this was real.

* * *

 


	22. So Much Sex

* * *

_So now’s the time to trace the line back home,_  
_To feel at last, the love left in your past._  
_Cause now’s the time to close your eyes and see what you’ve got here,_  
_Cause sunny days lead you astray, just know what you’ve got here._

 **Close Your Eyes** , Turn

* * *

Dean had _always_ been something of a playboy, but he had also _always_ had the common sense and control to not get crazy and desperate with a partner. (Sharing a motel room with a kid brother usually forces a person into being this way.)

But this… this sense of urgency he felt with Cas, it was all too new for him. It was like he was sixteen again and so it didn’t take Dean much time to get crazy, breathless and frantic, his hands which had been clutching Cas’s clothes began to tug and pull at full force, eager to get rid of all the pieces of clothing which were acting as nothing but annoying barriers which needed to be removed.

But before he could make any attempts at that, he caught a glimpse of Cas, whose face didn’t look innocent or vulnerable right now like he usually did, rather he looked stern and wild and hungry.  His eyebrows were clenched together, his eyes were wide and unblinking and his lips were contorted into an open mouthed scowl. He looked incredibly, unbearably  sexy and Dean’s breath caught in his chest because the expression on Cas’s face told him that today, Dean was not going to be in charge of anything they were going to do, told him that today, he was going to get well and truly fucked. And for once, Dean got ready to relinquish all control and gave the reins to Cas and took a deep breath. Wow. This was happening.

The hungry, almost starved expression never left Cas’s face, and Dean’s jacket was the first to go. Cas’s hand movements were violent but shaky as he nearly ripped Dean’s shirt off in his hurry to get him naked, his pants were the next to wind up on the ground. The number of layers he wore had always been a sore spot for most of Dean’s hook-ups and Castiel grunted with irritation as his hands moved to Dean’s undershirt. When Dean was completely and utterly naked, Cas began running his hands up and down his body with clasping movements as he pushed him backwards and when he hit a tree Cas actually flattened him against it and began kissing him.

The kiss which was sweet at first only stayed that way for about ten seconds before it turned into something all tongue and teeth. Dean didn’t mind the fact that the bark of the tree was pressing into him from behind, he didn’t mind the fact that they were naked and vulnerable in the middle of goddamn Purgatory where anyone could find and finish them in their lust filled haze, it was as if his brain had short circuited and all that was left was their despairing want. Dean was shamelessly moaning into the angel’s mouth, but only deep guttural growls escaped Cas as he pinned Dean’s wrists above his head with his super human strength. Dean gasped at that and tried to move his hands so he could take off Cas’s clothes. But his efforts were completely in vain. “Y…y… your clothes.” moaned Dean looking into the blue eyes. Cas simply shut Dean up by forcing his tongue in Dean’s mouth.

At that, Dean realized quickly that being away from him all this while and not being able to do anything about him had made Cas feel weak and helpless. He wanted the angel to feel strong again, wanted to give him back some of the power which he had somehow siphoned away and he leaned back against the tree, baring his neck to Cas in submission.

Cas caught the gesture and moved his lips to Dean’s pulse point where he lapped and sucked with the urgency of a drowning man gasping for breath. Dean arched his back and wailed, he fucking wailed with his eyes clenched shut. When he opened them, his eyes grew wide at his own desperate sounds which he didn’t even know he was capable of making and he turned red in embarrassment. Dean could feel his cheeks heat up ad Cas nearly jump in delight at seeing Dean’s evident arousal on his face, he lapped and licked at Dean’s flushed cheeks and neck making husky sounds that made the hunter shiver and whimper with need.

Had Dean’s brain not been this addled with sex that he was half out of it, he would have certainly been bewildered at his own actions. The whimpers, squeals and jerky moans that he was letting out were definitely not his usual style but seeing Cas like this, completely in charge and bossy made it impossible for him to let out anything else.

Cas’s hands moved all over Dean’s upper body, sometimes lightly grazing his thighs but not moving any lower than that, as his arms were pinned making him immobile, he had no choice but to let go. His mind resonated with sounds of “Please, please, more touch, lower, lower, lower please.” But the tongue Cas had speared into his mouth prevented him from saying anything.

To Dean it seemed like hours later when Cas finally moved his hands lower, gently squeezing Dean’s balls and running his fingers over his inner thighs careful not to touch his painfully hard cock. Then Cas flipped Dean so that his front faced the tree and began to palm his ass. The round globes were too sensitive after the painful stimulation and Dean thrust backwards, prompting Castiel to pinch and touch more.

Much to Dean’s dismay, the touching ended way too soon and Cas moved away. As Dean turned to face Cas, he was speechless when Cas literally manhandled him to the floor of Purgatory on his hands and knees. Stunned, Dean went where Cas put him and stared at him in anticipation of what was to come.

Dean was hard as a rock and his cock was twitching. All he wanted was to have Cas in him, he didn’t give a damn about the prepping and wanted more than anything to just guide Cas’s dick inside him in one sharp push. But he knew, that wasn’t gonna happen. Even though they didn’t have any lube Cas was in no mood to force his length inside Dean no matter how much Dean was begging for it. Dean was on all fours, ass in the air, knees scraping on the stony ground and panting like a wild animal when Cas moved to face Dean. Dean gulped when he looked at Cas’s cock in front of him, glistening with pre cum.

The look in Cas’s eyes conveyed the unsaid word, “Suck.” And Dean’s lips parted by impulse as he took the cock in his mouth hollowing his cheeks like he had seen countless women do for him, licking at the heavy weight. He looked up at Cas as he did so, trying to remember what had made blow jobs good for him. Cas’s eyes were shut as he lost himself in the pleasure of Dean’s mouth. Dean, licked and licked, trying to get Cas ready to enter him. The pleasured sounds Cas was making made him moan around Cas’s cock making the sensation even better. After a few minutes Cas extracted himself from Dean’s mouth which made a loud, almost obscene popping noise.

Cas went behind Dean and spread his legs wider, making Dean completely vulnerable and open. He leaned in and blew softly on the hole, making Dean’s cock twitch in eagerness. Dean couldn’t stop the breathy “Please, Cas.” That exited from his mouth at that and felt like his legs had turned into jelly. He began shaking so subtly that it would have been visible only to the most dedicated observer. Cas brought his hand to Dean’s arching back and steadied him before guiding himself to Dean’s hole which winked at him in hope of what was to come.

At long last he brought his cock to the hole and Dean let out a loud sigh of relief. Cas on the other hand just stared at his shiny cockhead nudging the pink shiny pucker and didn’t move, as if reluctant to stop looking at the pretty picture. Thankfully for Dean, he realized fast that it would not be wise and pushed in, the hole took in Cas instantly as Dean relaxed himself and he pushed further and further into the silky smooth chute letting out little gasps and grunts. Dean on the other hand felt completely out of his mind, the stretch-burn mixed with the lightning bolts of pleasure were driving him crazy.

Cas didn’t stop pushing until there was nowhere else to go and let out a satisfied moan while stroking Dean to stop him from shaking again. Dean let out little puffs of breath as he tried to get comfortable with the intrusive feeling, Cas running his hands through Dean’s hair to calm him. When Cas started thrusting slowly, Dean felt his eyes roll back into his head and he closed his eyes and when Cas eventually settled himself into the obscene open V of Dean’s legs as if he belonged there and started pounding into the slick heat of Dean’s body Dean felt like he had died and gone to heaven.

Cas hit his prostate with every thrust and Dean couldn’t help but scream in ecstasy as the bundle of nerves sent dozens of fireworks pulsing through him. He had never felt like this – open, exposed and helpless. He was completely naked while at the same time Cas was completely clothed, the only part of his body outside was his cock which was now sheathed inside of Dean.

Dean began to move his ass in sync with the thrusts and after a while their moans too synced up. Dean could feel the pressure building up in his body and he clenched his teeth to stop himself from coming too soon, Cas increased his pace at that as if telling him that it was okay and Dean couldn’t believe that he was going to come without even touching himself, the thought itself was enough to send him over the edge as he came with a loud cry, Cas spilling inside him at the same time.

The aftershocks were powerful, almost too much for Dean as his legs gave way and he collapsed to the ground panting, Cas on top of him.

* * *

 It took them more than a few minutes to come to their senses, the ‘minutes’ part in itself was an achievement after the kind of bizarre sex they had just had. Dean felt hugely uncomfortable, which wasn’t weird as he was covered in come and sweat and spit and dust, lying without any clothes on, feeling completely sore and tired. But in a good way because he was completely sated after what seemed like years and he felt like he couldn’t complain. Although when he looked at Cas, he almost had a panic attack, the haunted, hunted look in Cas’s eyes which were filled with so much shock and guilt that Dean nearly fell back on to the ground when he sat up and met the blue eyes.

It had been but a few minutes since Cas had fucked him but the remorse in his eyes seemed like he had being carrying the weight for years, Dean couldn’t believe this. Sure, he had been a bit reluctant but what they had just done had felt… well, it had felt epic. So freaking good and Dean could already see Cas blaming himself for no apparent reason. He was surprised at finding himself in the position of the level headed one for once but the surprise didn’t stay for long as he moved closer to Cas who only inched away looking bewildered, as if he had expected Dean to run off in disgust. Dean finally understood why, Cas had always been so astonished by his self-loathing.

Looking at the deer caught in headlights expression on Cas’s face made Dean let out the first genuine laugh he had laughed in a long time. He couldn't believe that this was the same Cas who had been pounding him mercilessly just about a quarter of an hour ago. He took Cas’s hand and managed to reach closer and gently caress his brown hair and rub at his stubble.  “Jesus, Cas. That was amazing. And I know I ain’t supposed to blaspheme or whatever but holy crap, man. Just wow. What was that even? Please don’t tell me that you have been practicing on other dudes all this while. ‘Cause that ain’t gonna settle well in my stomach.” Said Dean. He wanted Cas to know how awesome it had been for him.

“What?! You… you are okay with me. With me… Doing that to you?” muttered Cas, seeming horror-struck.

“Okay look, I may not be an angel of the lord. But I can at least try to put up a fight if someone’s forcing me. It was totally consensual.” Chortled Dean.

“Really?” asked Cas, still incredulous.

“Yeah really. Look, I’m a bit sore and disgusting right now, but yeah – it was great. So relax.” Insisted Dean at which Cas used his powers to clean up the mess. Dean grinned and began pulling his clothes on. Awesome- bizarro-sex or not, Sam wasn’t going to walk in on him naked again.

Cas continued to stare at him as he dressed, looking completely mad at himself. Dean fought the urge to laugh, he couldn’t believe that Cas was actually worried. He didn’t care about anymore really, the small details hardly mattered. He had Cas here, with him, The Mark was hardly affecting him now, Sam had found Madison. And… the kind of monkey sex they had just had was the cherry on the sundae.

After he got dressed, Dean leaned against Cas and kissed him softly. “It’s all gonna be okay. This was good. More than just good.”

“I don’t know why I did that. One second we were kissing and the next I…”

“Cas. I don’t know how many times I’m gonna have to tell you that I liked it, we are going to that again in fact. Though not too soon, I’m sore.”

“See, I hurt you Dean, I am so sorry.”

“Dammit Cas.” Groaned Dean. This conversation was going to be a long one.

* * *

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya people,  
> This fic, which was originally intended to be a one shot, became something much more over the months. When I started writing this fic, I was in a pretty bad shape. I thought I had tanked my finals and all my chances for college this year, but surprisingly - I hadn't. So now I'm going to college this year to study English Lit. Anyway, I used to update a LOT and now I hardly do and I apologize for that.   
> However, I'm going to post the rest of this fic this week AND then start on a longfic which will have slow updates. I just want anyone reading this to know that life can actually surprise you completely and I know you think that you are down now but you NEVER EVER know when things will turn around. So be sad if you want, cry if you want, but be good. And believe me when I say that stuff sorts itself out when you are least expecting it.  
> Gem_In_Eye
> 
> P.S. - Anyone (non creepy) who is tired or upset or heartbroken or feels like failure or just needs someone to talk to - nivee.tuli@outlook.com. MESSAGE ME!


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